


Silence

by ghxulie



Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter RPF
Genre: Agoraphobia, Alcohol, Blood, Cigarettes, Cutting, Depression, Hospital, Insomnia, Multi, Near Death, Panic Attack, Paranoia, Psychosis, Ryan-centric, Schizoaffective Disorder, Schizophrenia, Self Confidence Issues, Self Harm, Starvation, Stress, Suicide Attempt, Therapy, male anorexia, ooc
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-22
Updated: 2014-06-11
Packaged: 2018-01-26 02:07:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 23
Words: 33,959
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1670750
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ghxulie/pseuds/ghxulie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He did not want to be caught. It was an accident. Those stupid men, so blind. They could not see before it was so late.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My going to be second story on this account after I finished Seperated. But I will do some for the time being as I write the other u w u the first chapter will be short sorry.
> 
> This will be dark, as I do like to do those kinds of stories. So I am warning write now. You feel triggered or upset, PLEASE leave. I am not forcing you to read or anything. Read as you may and if you are comfortable, okay? Don't force yourself uvu
> 
> EDIT: A friend of mine had read it and told me it needed to be touched up or completely redone and I agreed. so this chapter is getting a makeover uwu sorry, dudes vuv

They never really realized what was wrong with Ryan. He seemed perfectly fine at first. Laughing at the silly things that Gavin did. Cracking dry humored jokes. He seemed happy. But it was too quick to end. He as now wearing long sleeves in the smoldering Texan summer. His face, once lit with a bright smile was now hollow, eyes sunken in and a neutral expression upon his pale face. He always told the others, who were worried about the dirty blond, that he was fine. That he was just tired and that he needed to sleep away this stress that he felt. The others, thankfully in Ryan’s opinion, bought it and simply thought it was just that.

It started to get weird as the days went on. The man was sluggish and more tired looking. He became thinner, but with the baggy clothing that he had begun to wear it went undetected. Even when they were at home, Ryan would now leave to go and change in the restroom instead of the same room as his five other lovers. It concerned the rest. But Ryan always said that it was fine and to not worry about him. It started to get really concerning as he would not eat, and when he did it was odd to hear the water as he went to go and use the restrooms. At times he would be there for hours at a time, causing the others to try and coax him out of the room. It took a long time, but the beloved man always came out uneasy like and stumbled around like he was drunk. He would look at the others briefly before rushing off towards their shared bedroom. He would proceed to lock himself away for the rest of the day, only coming downstairs when he was forced to come out to either eat or someone like Michael to come out and spend time with them. Ryan would distance himself, sitting on the chair in a ball and stared at the television more than his boyfriends. He would escape back to the room when no one noticed, hiding away under the blankets until the rest came into the room.

Their sleeping ritual has changed just as much. Before it was a big sandwich free for all, all of them holding each other and spread out comfortably on their large bed. Now it was lacking another person in the middle of the night. Ryan would sneak out of one of the other’s grasp, moving towards their spare room. The room was small, but it had a bed large enough for the man to curl up on and attempt to sleep. He had a feeling that the rest knew that he came here in the middle of the night. He just hoped that the habit was not picked up by the rest, he did not want them to follow him into this room or bother him on why he was always never with them. He wanted to be alone even if it meant to physically remove himself from the rest of the group. It hurt himself as much as it did the others. But he did not want to show that, he wanted to keep everything inside his head.

He did not want the others help.

As time progressed, he started to distance himself further from the rest. Ryan did not eat at the kitchen table with the rest, or really ate at all for a few days. He would eat small pieces of fruit that he cut up and put the majority into a plastic sandwich baggie for either later or for someone else to eat. He would not let the others watch him eat the food as well, finding it awkward as their hawk eye gaze watched him slowly chew food. He would stay in the restroom for hours at a time, usually being forced out of the room when someone else had to go and use it but would go straight back into room and lock the door, picking himself apart. He once broke the mirror with the strength that he had still in his weakening body as he was so frustrated with the way he looked. That was the day the habit had to be put on halt, Geoff cleaning up the mess as the rest brought Ryan towards the living room to go and ask what happened.

All Ryan did was stare at his knuckles, staring at the blood as it dripped down his hand from the cut that was there. It was really nothing, but the man thought it felt nice. It did tamper the voices he had always heard that. But to him it was really not enough except for this moment as he did not want the rest to catch onto what he was thinking. Ryan let the wound be bandaged up, a kiss pressed to the bandage and he was soon brought close to the ginger. He felt a hand go through his hair, trying not to move away as the rest came close and were all practically on top of Ryan.

The dirty blond relaxed, giving an air of relax and calm and that he was totally fine. That before was just an act of pent up anger that was released in a bad way. The others were blind though, not really seeing what was wrong with their beloved Ryan.

Weeks have passed, and after a brief cold that went around the house the polyamorous group went back to work. The building was empty except for the six of them, thankfully. Geoff napped on the white couch that was in their shared room. Ray and Michael working as quietly as they edited the last installment of _GO!._ The two were done quick, both turning on their 3DS’ and started to play a friendly yet competitive game of Pokémon.

Jack was walking down the hallway, delivering papers. Gavin, who hitched along, stopped at the restroom. He knocked on the door, hearing nothing but a small and pain filled noise. The Brit furrowed his brows, knocking again but a bit louder. There was another noise, like someone falling onto the ground with a loud thump. He looked worriedly at Jack, who placed the papers down on a table and went over towards the younger.

“What?”

“Ryan’s in there… I… I think he slipped…?” Gavin himself sounded unsure and Jack pressed his ear against the door, jiggling the door knob. The younger looked up at the other as he was moved away gently. The larger stood back, proceeding to ram himself into the door with all of his strength. He did this several times before the door finally caved in and went off the hinges. The ginger caught himself before he fell, looking everywhere and then finally the floor. He stared at the pale man on the floor, his knees beginning to shake before he dropped to them, reaching out to touch Ryan’s cold, bloody hand. He looked up at Gavin, who was backing away from fright and the nauseous feeling that was quickly bubbling up.

“G-Go… Go get the others…” he croaked, bring the dirty blond close and quickly grabbing toilet paper to try and stop the bleeding. Though it proved useless no matter how much he used, so he took off Ryan’s shirt. He whimpered as he saw thin scars, no more than a week old, littered his left arm. His hip bones were just visible as well. He shook his head, taking his limp arm and gripped it tight as he tried to stop the blood flow from the cut. He began to sob silently, gathering Ryan into his arm, using his free hand to take the phone out to call for an ambulance. Once the slow call was made, the ginger wrapped his other arm around the older and rocked them both.

The Brit burst through the door, huffing and puffing for a bit. Geoff was awake at this time, sitting up and stared sleepily at the man in the doorway. He tilted his head to the side, stifling a yawn.

“What’s wrong buddy?” Gavin looked up at the older, briskly walking towards him and took him, Ray and Michael by the arms tightly. There were some protesting, but it was becoming obvious about the other’s stress, which was rather confusing as the other was usually never too stressed like this.

The sound of the ambulance was getting louder as it came, the three looked confused at Gavin.

“Ryan…” he murmured, stopping. Gavin could not continue, holding himself up by the wall, “he… I… He…” he stopped, the sick feeling coming back hard. He dropped to his knees, unable to watch as the paramedics came rushing into the building and into the rest room. Geoff was the first to act, though slowly as he was frightened, and went towards the restroom.

He saw Jack sitting there in a small puddle of blood, his face in his hands. The older cautiously went up to him and sat down next to the ginger. Jack looked towards Geoff, opening his mouth to say something but ended up closing it and held onto the other. He ignored the paramedic as he came into the room temporarily, only looking up at the man when he was told what happened.

“Yeah…?”

“He’ll be fine...  Okay? You guys can follow if you want to… the ride will be short.” He gave a smile, turning, leaving as he heard his name being called. Soon the ambulance was off and going towards the hospital.

The ride would have been short if it was not for the fact that their loved one tried to kill himself. The wait was even longer. Lots of pacing around and sobbing. They all tried to comfort each other, but it became more of a sob fest than a comfort fest. They all stayed together, standing up as they all heard ‘Ryan Haywood’ after at least an hour later. Geoff was slow to follow the doctor, and was very tempted to hear what his boyfriend’s condition was.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Scratch that this is going to be written after Separated.

The doctor had stopped in front of his office, hand on the door knob as he talked. “I wish to only speak with one of you men. Not enough room really for six men.” The group looked among each other before Geoff walked forward, the door opening then and the two men walked in.

The doctor gestured the other to take a seat, sitting in front of him, arms propped at the elbow on the desk and hands folded in front of his mouth after pushing his glasses up his nose before he spoke, “Mr. Haywood is stable,” that took a little worry off of Geoff’s shoulders, not enough to rid of the knot in his stomach and racing heart from fear, “however, I will say his act was near deadly. Cut a vein, and with the little blood we could take he had a small percentage of alcohol. Is he a known drinker?” Geoff thought for a moment before shaking his head no, the doctor taking notes. He cleared his throat, leaning back, “I am only allowed to say as much as that… are you able to contact his family?” Geoff’s eyebrows furrowed a bit.

“We are his family…” he muttered, “and I am wishing to know more about my boyfriend.” The doctor did not speak for a while at the other’s blunt response, waving his hand.

“I am going to decline your request,” he started to look through his notes from Ryan’s diagnoses, “Even if you consider yourself as his… I suppose the correct term is mate… I would rather have someone from his family come in and give some medical history of Mr. Haywood.”

“I can give you everything that you need. His family is too far away to come within the day, so please. Let me or any the others tell you. Besides,” Geoff leaned forward, gaze hardening, “I do not want to get his family into this. Or anyone else outside this hospital and the six of us. If you could kindly respect that and not be a dick than that would be greatly appreciated.” The doctor took his wire glasses off and rubbed his face.

“Please excuse me…” he stood up and left, leaving the door opened and went passed the other four men. Geoff leaned back with a groan, covering his face with his hands.

“C’mon… Just need to visit the idiot…” he muttered to no one in particular, “need to know if he is okay… At this stage, I don’t think Ryan is perfectly okay… But knowing him when he wakes up he won’t say a fucking damn thing. The fucking dick…” the eldest laughed, a short and dark laugh, “that fucking dick. I swear…”

There was a hand that clapped against his shoulder, and slowly removed his hands.

“For now he is a stupid fucking dick… but as well for now lets just get through it… m’kay..?” Jack said, squeezing Geoff’s hand tight. The reassurance helped, but not as much as he wanted it to.

 

The doctor came back after an hour, squeezing past the hug fest and sat down on the chair. He cleared his throat and the others looked up, still not separating as the man talked.

“I would like to continue were we picked up… I found out that it is okay to for you men to go and see him,” the others brightened at that, al separated and were ready to go out and to their beloved’s room. But the doctor stayed put, writing things down, “He will wake up soon. So if you are wanting to go now, I will escort you to his room. I am just warning… he is hooked up and I would not go and touch him. He will be weak after waking, obviously.” He stood up after finishing his work. He motioned the others to follow him to the room.

Geoff had fallen behind, actually quite terrified about what the other looked like now. He thought that he was just hooked up to everything medical and stuff he really did not know the name of and bandages and and- His fists clenched and he was getting angry just thinking of it. It was his job to protect all of them from harm. Even from themselves. He stopped and took a deep breath to calm himself down. He walked a few more steps before he caught up with the others, the door already opened and the rest in the bedroom.

HE stopped behind Jack, who was standing right next to the bed. The steady, monotonous beeps kept breaking the silence. The elder did not move from behind the ginger, he simply let the others gather around the bed and tried not to take the bandaged hands that were placed neatly on either side of Ryan’s body. He finally gathered enough courage and took a peek from behind Jack, adverting his eyes as he saw the man, so pale, on the bed. It was odd though, he remembered just yesterday how stressed and tired the other looked. Now he looked almost too peaceful and white as a sheet and just dead looking. His fists became tighter, blunt nails digging into his palm.

“God… You’re so stupid. Why would you do this to yourself…?!” he muttered, pressing his face against Jack’s back and held onto him tightly. He felt a hand on his, and was quick to hold onto them tightly.

Gavin looked between Ryan and Geoff, rubbing his eyes as he tried not to tear up too much and start to cry. He walked over and held onto him, sniffling.

“I just hope he is okay… but… but he looks so dead… I… wished we noticed…” Jack muttered, trying to be the strong one in this situation, but obviously was starting to cave in and tear up.

“Okay…? Okay?!” Michael threw his hands up in the air, looking at the ginger hysterically, “There is something so obviously wrong and we fucking failed to see that!” he lowered his arms, getting unusually quieter, “I don’t think that it would be the same anymore…”

Ray looked at him with a queer expression, shaking his head as all of the words he wanted to say was lodged in his throat.

 

It was a while before there was any sort of movement from the man on the bed. They were all sitting around the bed before Gavin had noticed that Ryan was opening his eyes. Despite what the doctor had said, he grasped his hand and smiled a big, goofy smile. He was still obliviously but he was able to force himself to smile and tell the others that Ryan was waking up.

The other four looked towards the man and stared, watching the Gent look around blearily.

 


	3. Chapter 3

All he could do was look around frightfully as the others kept staring at him. No one talked or made the motion to talk or really do much than crowd around and hold onto man as gentle as they could. There was sniffles and tears rather quick and Geoff, who had let go of Ryan first stared at the man. He gave a laugh, not his usual deep and contagious laugh but more of a laugh that was forced and utmost scared sounding. He covered his face with his hands and gave a shuddering breath out. He felt as if he was going to start to cry, which would have been a first in a very long time. He rubbed his face and looked down at the covered man.

“I want to say you’re stupid something fierce for fucking worrying the fuck out of me. But I’ll spare it… I have to. At least you are fine and gonna get better…” he sat heavily at the edge of the bed, taking Ryan’s free hand and held it tightly and to his face. He gave the cold appendage, eyes becoming watery.

The man did not seem to appreciate that much, as he pulled his hand away and tried to say that he did not want the others on and holding onto him. Everything hurt, and seeing everyone so upset and pain stricken was making it much worse. He started to shake, tears running down his cheeks, though the salty tears were cleaned up quick from Jack. The ginger gave him a small smile, noticing his distress and moved away, sitting down next to Ryan on the chair he was originally sitting on beforehand. The Lads took their time getting off of the other, starting with Michael who had backed away and sat in his own chair and then Ray and finally Gavin, who sat finally on the bed and kept close to the dirty blond. The Brit leaned down and rested his head next to Ryan’s chest, his form quivering.

“Ry… Why would you do that?” the man in question made a face, turning his head and looked away, “I know you don’t wanna talk and all but really… We all wanna know what the hell happened to you… all the sudden.”

There was no reply except for a small groan, Ryan shaking his head and tried to sit up with the little strength he had in himself. Though he was pushed back down, causing him to growl. He coughed though, eye narrowing in a weak glare. He opened his mouth to speak, is voice low and scratchy. It sounded upset and frustrated.

“Leave…” he croaked. It was obvious that the others would not and will not be moving until they have to be forced to leave. Even if the other was frustrated and mad about it.

Jack began to pet the blondish hair, hushing him quietly, “Don’t look so mad, Ryan. Be so lucky that we found you when we did! …. Why would you do that any how…?” Ryan struggled to get up again, this time successful.

He looked at them, his eyes a dark blue. He obviously looked stressed out, pointing towards the door. “Please…” he croaked again, voice cracking, flinching as the tears were wiped away again. But he continued to plead until he could no longer speak, as it hurt to speak. He laid back don and gripped the white, scratchy sheets and slowly pulled it over his head to shield himself from the others worried gazes.

He did not want this.

He did not like this.

He did not want help and the others were so blind still and it bothered him. He was making it so obvious that he did not want to see the others. And that it actually pained him more than it should have. Ryan started to silently sob, covering his face and pulled his hair as he cried out his emotions. The others looked at each other, then back to Ryan then back to each other.

There was a bunch of question that ranged from just ‘Ryan?’ to ‘You okay?’. But it made him cry even more, his breath coming in short. The blanket was tugged away, tucked in loosely, though his face was covered with his hands. Geoff made a face, standing and took his spot on the other side and leaned down to speak to the other. IT made Ryan squirm, feeling his hands being removed as he was distracted by the others kind words. It just made him sicker. And he struggled to move and now think. He was held against the older and stroked his hair. Geoff buried his face in Ryan’s hair, feeling the other relax and go limp in his arms. It did not help much as he felt the others start to come around and hold onto him, tensing each time as he felt them before going limp yet again.

“You’re an idiot for wanting to even get out of this… At least let me hold you… At least give me and the others that. I don’t care if you don’t want to,” he gave a smile, “but… Please…” the younger did not give an answer, just burying his face into his chest in defeat.

“You hate me… You hate me… You all fucking hate me…” he mouthed, sometimes making a squeak. He leaned away as he felt a hand be placed on his mouth, causing him to flinch. Ryan looked up at the older, then down with defeat.

He got the point.

No noise.

Not a single movement was to be made as the others tried to find stability in hugging the self-injured man and try not to get teary eyed and upset.

The door opened moments later, the doctor coming into the room and was looking at the clipboard before looking up with a sigh. He cleared his throat and all of the men looked up at the doctor.

 

Geoff sat up, giving a meek smile before speaking. “Oh… uh… what do you want?” the doctor was quiet for a moment, before motioning the mustached man to follow. Geoff looked around at the others, the Lads unwilling to move and Jack just nodded for the other to go with the doctor.

 

HE got up from the bed and followed the doctor back to his office at a slow pace. He was honestly afraid as he went back to the room, wringing his hands now. HE entered the room and heavily sat down on the same chair and looked at him as he waited for what he was going to say.


	4. Chapter 4

The doctor sat down in his chair and was silent for awhile, though that just made Geoff more anxious in the wanted information. He would have yelled at the older to get talking, though the other may have heard his internal please and opened his mouth.

"... He will be going home after he is alright. However," Geoff's grip on the chair tightened, "He will be put onto medications and it would be highly recommended that he would go for psychotherapy. If not then we will keep him and admit him to the ward and it will go from there..." Geoff leaned back, wringing his hands and swallowed the lump that had formed again.

"I am... going to have him make the choice..." he was starting to get really nervous, causing him to ramble and rushed, "Though knowing him that he won't go for being hospitalized. If that is okay... I would like that for him, the medications. But like I said I would like for him to have a choice if that is okay..." the doctor was silent for a moment before sighing.

"Fine... Fine... I would like to have a chat with Mr. Haywood as well as I would like to go and evaluate him." he stood up, leaving his clipboard behind and left Geoff to either follow him or stay. Though, the bearded man followed, feet scuffing against the white floor.

The doctor entered the room, seeing how everyone was now sitting on chairs net to the bed and a nurse was looking over the bandages despite Ryan's obvious protesting. It did stop when he was scolded, white gauze was tightened around the stitches and then gently placed his arm down onto the bed before she checked the other. The nurse turned around and was startled when she saw the doctor and Geoff, hanging her head down.

"Just cleaning him up and making sure that it was not getting snagged. It was bleeding as well, and I don't know why. Perhaps it got snagged on the bandages or something..." she walked passed the two men, giving a small smile towards Geoff and continued her way out.

The doctor stepped forward and went towards the bed. "I... would like for you men to go out ad into the waiting room as I have a chat with Mr. Haywood." the men were a bit reluctant to come out of the room, but it started with Michael, who had ruffled Ryan's hair as he left. Jack, Gavin and Ray left respectively before finally Geoff, who gave a smile to Ryan as he looked towards the door. He turned around and walked out, going to the waiting room and sat on one of the chairs heavily. He put his face in his hands and gave a hard sigh.

* * *

 

Ryan adverted his gaze towards the window as the doctor took the chair to the right of him. He did not talk, really wanting the other to initiate the conversation first. Though, it was at least ten minutes later when Ryan actually opened his mouth to speak.

"Leave..." he muttered, though the doctor just sat there with his hands on his lap and his gaze blank.

"No... I will like to talk to you about choices." Ryan rolled his eyes, "Don't be rude. Be reasonable about this. You would like to go home, right? Or would you want to stay here and for god knows how long stay in the mental ward. It is your choice." Ryan took in a deep breath before turning slightly and looked towards the older. He said nothing, shrugging really for his answer.

The doctor sighed, taking the other's arm and looked over the tender area. "You have a choice between the two and I would like for you to actually give me an answer before you leave so that I know either to send you home with medication prescription or not. Could you do?" Ryan sat up, taking his arm away from the other and bit his lower lip.

"I guess..." he muttered, rubbing his wrist, "whatever..."

* * *

After a couple of days, and when Ryan was able to be either admitted into the hospital ward or go home, the doctor came back into the room after knocking and was allowed to come into the room. He stood in the doorway, Ryan waking up slowly and looked at the doorway with a sleepy expression. He rubbed his eyes and yawned.

"what...?" he muttered, not remembering why the other was there.

"Have you made your decision? The others have as well... just saying. So if you really would want to give the hospitalization rout then going home..."

It took Ryan a while to think further before giving the ultimate shrug, "home... I guess... At this point and fucking time I really could give a shit..." he laid on his side so that his back was facing the other.

"Fine fine. I will go and contact someone to come and drive you home. And to write your papers..." he turned around and walked out.

Ryan curled up and waited. And waited. And soon enough the door opened and a nurse came into the room. She went over towards the other and sat him up, carefully pulling the IV needle out from the crook of Ryan's arm and placed a bandage there so that there would be no bleeding. She gave a smile and stood back as the other glared coldly at her.

"The person that was called for is going t be coming in soon... just have to wait a little more. Then your out. IF you need anything while you wait then just call.' she gave another smile before turning around and walked out.

* * *

 

Ryan had not notice that he had fallen asleep when he was woken up, looking around blearily and saw Geoff. He made a face as he was held tightly, hitting the other's back weakly before being let go.

"Hey..." the older kissed his forehead, "c'mon... lets go... you can sleep in the car if you want... Lets just go home, buddy."

"Don't call me that..." Ryan muttered bitterly, taking Geoff aback.

"Fine..." he got the other up and held him close, taking his sweat time going to the car and let the dirty blond climb into the back seat ad lay down. Ryan made a disgusted face as the the older smiled at him again, finding it very fake and only filled with pathetic sympathy. He did not bother in putting on a seat belt as the other got into the car and started it.


	5. Chapter 5

The drive home was too long in his honest opinion. He really did not like the fact that the older was talking to him, though it seemed it was really anything that had came to the man's mind and then spewed out at random times. The other did not seem to catch on that Ryan was no longer listening after it had gotten too ridiculous to listen to and was now staring out the window. HE soon had fallen asleep, cheek pressed against the door and body curled up tightly. HE made a noise when the car had came to a stop, jumping as the door was opened and looked around before noticing that Geoff had opened the door. He had an apologetic look to his usually sleepy face.

"Sorry, Ry..." Geoff gave out a hand, but it was declined as Ryan got out of the car and slowly made his way towards the house. He waited until the older came up to the house and opened the door before walking in and made a bee-line for the stairs to go and hide. However, the plan was spoiled as he felt someone latch onto him and held him tight.

"Ryan!" the voice made him cringe, and he was forced to look down at the Brit, "I'm glad you're home! C'mon, the guys are waiting." he was reluctant to be pulled along, heels digging into the floor. HE was soon brought into another grasp that was just as tight.

Just as suffocating.

He could struggle though as more came into the hug and he was left tensed up and holding his breath as he wished for the hugging to cease. Geoff came into the room and rolled his eyes at this, stepping in but not too close as he spoke.

"Okay okay, let go of Ryan..." the other men were reluctant to break away from the man, who when let go was quick to back to the stairs. He climbed up the small flight and went to the spare bedroom. The door was audibly closed, leading into a thick and awkward silence. The others looked between each other, a couple sitting on the couch with equally worried looks.

"I wouldn't worry too much..." Geoff muttered, looking up the stairs, "It's gonna be a while before things change. But for now, just leave him alone and let him have the choice of coming back to us instead of we going to him..." he took a seat on the chair and hunched over like usual, chewing on his lower lip. Ryan did look stressed out when he was being hugged, maybe it was from the lack of them before. Or maybe he just did not want to be bothered with any hugging. Either way it was strange to him and he really wanted to know an answer.

However for now he would have to suck it up and wait for when Ryan came out of the room after whatever he is doing. HE sat further into his seat before standing up and muttering something about getting Ryan's medication among other things.

* * *

 

It was around nine at night when Ryan decided to come downstairs, hiding rather bashfully behind a corner. He peered over the edge and saw that the other five were still awake, all cuddled up and close. It honestly made him feel rather ill, and he had to look away before regaining enough strength and looked back. Part of him yearned to go and join them, but another part was screaming to turn around and go away. That he was not needed and was completely useless to them. His hands clenched into fists and he turned around, deciding to go with the more predominate voice and slowly walked towards the kitchen to go and grab a glass of water. He tried to ignore the creaking floorboards, however it seemed to have caught some of the others attention and there was some moving around from the living room.

Jack entered the kitchen and leaned against the door frame, a kind smile graced his tired face. "Glad you're up... Had a good sleep?" Ryan stopped mid drink and turned around a little to look at the ginger, swallowing what was in his mouth before placing the cup down onto the counter top. He gave a sigh, not really in the mood to chat but it seemed the other was and he was blocking the doorway in a sense. He started to feel trapped.

"I guess..." the dirty blond muttered, fiddling with his glass uncomfortably, "still tired and all..." he took an awkward sip. Jack came a little closer, though that caused the older to take a few steps towards the right and then around the bearded man, "Don't get any closer... okay? I... don't want to be touched or or be close to you or anyone..." he gave a fake smile, "I'm sorry, Jack... I..." he shook his head and turned around, bumping into Michael.

The curly haired man moved back a little from being bumped, eyebrow raising, "oh... uh hi." Ryan gave same fake smile as he walked around them and started to go up the stairs yet again. The men that he left behind in the kitchen gave queer looks to one another.

"odd..." muttered Jack, shaking his head as he walked out of the kitchen and towards the stairs, standing at the bottom of it. He watched Ryan go back into the spare bedroom and then away when the door had closed. He looked towards the rest that were on the couch before making his way towards were he was located originally. "This is just... odd..."

"I'll say..." hummed Ray.

"I don't get what's wrong with him..." the others all collectively shrugged.

"Knowing him he won't talk until its too late..." Geoff sighed, shaking his head, "and I don't want another moment like we had... And honestly as much as I want to give him space I want to actually be close to him."

"He didn't want to be in that hug before and he looked scared when I went into the kitchen..." Jack piped up, "He looks really nervous... Maybe he thinks we are ashamed of him or something... I know I'm not... just sad." there was another collective nod.

Geoff shook his head, "whatever... I'm gonna go to bed and we'll see in the morning..." he said his good nights to the others and wandered upstairs.

HE stopped in front of the door where Ryan was hiding behind, listening carefully and heard nothing. He took it for a good thing before going towards the bedroom. He climbed into the bed, face down, and tried to go to sleep.


	6. Chapter 6

The next morning, everyone was up at the usual time. Geoff and Jack up just as dawn came around and started to make breakfast. Gavin next, just a little past nine, and soon had a cup of tea in his hands as he then made his way towards the table. Ryan would have came down around now, so it was unusual when he was still in his room when Michael and Ray came downstairs and took their spots at the table. It was Gavin, still tired looking, that spoke up when Ryan was not here. Geoff took notice after it was brought up and turned the stove off after he was done cooking. He plated the food and placed it on the table, leaving to upstairs and towards the spare bedroom. The door was partially opened, and he opened it further to see Ryan moving around and cleaning up. The dirty blond stopped when he saw Geoff, dropping the pillow and looked away, almost trying to hide as he turned around. The mustached man rubbed the back of his head, sighing.

"Breakfast is ready..." he muttered, able to hear the other's stomach growl despite him shaking his head. He knew the other was hungry, always eating breakfast before getting read for the day.

"No, no... it is fine. I'm not hungry..." it sounded like his words were almost forced and very close to being carefully chosen, "I'll come down eventually... just... could you leave...?" the older did not move immediately, but nodded and turned around and started to go for the door.

"Okay... Just come down when you're ready..." he turned his head and gave a lazy smile, "We're not going to work so don't have to get dressed, to let you know. We're not for a while... not until you are comfortable." he turned back around and walked back downstairs, hearing the door slam behind himself.

Geoff sat down at his seat at the head of the table, leaning back with the cup of black coffee in his hands. The warmth, usually able to scald just about anyone's hand, felt cold to his touch. HE did not know why. Maybe it was the emptiness he felt from the lack of the dirty blond. Or how blank he looked. Like he knew he did something wrong and could still not shake that off. Like it was plaguing him terribly and making him suffer. It started to hurt, and Geoff placed his cup down and ran a hand through his bed hair. He tried to think of all the possibilities of getting the man out of the room and active around the house or at least socialize instead of being cooped up in the room all day.

He did not realize that everyone was staring at him now, fingers being snapped in his face yet it really did not do much of anything. So, they all stood up and cleaned up, Jack staying behind and sat back down at the table. He eventually shook the older, who jumped in fright and looked at the other with wide eyes. He relaxed as he saw it was only Jack, comforted a little as he felt the other bring him into a tight hug.

"What're you thinking so hard about...?" there as a small pause.

"What to do with Ryan... Like... I just can't let him stay in that room all day... He needs to come out and take his medication and socialize and do something to get rid of that anger I can see so clearly and and I don't know what to do though!" he moved away, sitting up on the table and head in his hands.

"Maybe he will later... I don't know. But eventually he has to come downstairs and do things with the rest of us... knowing the others they won't care if the door is closed, they'll come in and do whatever the hell they do when someone is sad." Geoff shrugged.

"Yeah..." he muttered.

 

* * *

Later on, Ryan came downstairs. He was cautious as he moved into the kitchen and opened the refrigerator and took out a bottle of water. He would have taken food, but he could hear someone coming into the kitchen. He was quick to close the fridge and looked away as he saw Gavin.

"Oh.. Hello!" he chirped, though even if the greeting was pleasant, Ryan was uncomfortable and tried to move away despite the other getting closer towards him, "How are you?"

The older shrugged, taking in a deep breath before speaking quietly, "I guess okay..." he began to subconsciously rub his wrists, making the wounds that where there agitated and sting.

Gavin came close as he watched and held the twitching hands, "That's better than nothing, love. C'mon..." he was gentle as he tugged towards the living room, "Let's watch a movie or something. Anything you want." Ryan tried to protest, but the other was so oblivious.

Ryan was sat down between Gavin and Michael. The curly haired man was currently playing a game and was very red in the face as he was frustrated about the difficult part. Though, upon hearing the cough from Gavin, he was pretty much forced to stop and look over towards the two. He gave a little, toothless smile towards Ryan.

"Glad to see ya come down to the living," Ryan made a face at that.

"I would like to go back upstairs though."

"No. Already downstairs. You need to eat and take medication and do things." came a voice from the top of the stairs. There was the sound of footsteps and soon Jack was standing in front of the couch.

"I'm not hungry..."

"You haven't eaten in two days, please. I bet your secretly starving." as if on cue the dirty blond's stomach growled loudly, causing him to blush. He was helped up and was brought towards the kitchen and sat down at the table. Jack sat down on the chair next to him after giving a plate of toast, seeing that the other still was holding his water bottle, and a two small pills on the side.

"Probably got asked this... but how are you? Are you alright>" Ryan just stared at the plate, hands wringing awkwardly.

"I said I don't want anything..."

"I know. But just take a bite and swallow the pills and you can be on your way." There was a long period of o movement.

It did not even look like that the other was breathing. Though before Jack was able to snap the other out of it, Ryan was quick to take a tiny bite and swallowed the pills dry. He stood up and promptly left the table, and the other in silence, and went back upstairs.


	7. Chapter 7

Days went by before Ryan came down from the second floor, wearing a green shirt that was too large for him at this point and jeans that were just hanging onto his hips. He looked like he has not slept in a while. It was really a bad thing with the hunger pangs he was feeling. To him, it was a rather good thing that the others were out, or so he very much hoped. He felt uncomfortable as he grabbed an apple, cutting it in half and then quartering it and placed what he did not want into a small baggie. He wandered into the living room cautiously and sat down onto the couch. He took a small bite of his food before leaning back into the couch and stared at the television. He decided against watching something, not waning to risk being seen or hear if the others were upstairs and he did not know.

There was a pang of hurt from that. He did not want to have this distance between him and the others. But he almost felt guilty. Part of him really liked all of this attention, liking how close the guys were than before. But the other half of him wanted to push everyone away and wanted to be alone; he wanted to more protect himself as he felt out of place with the others now.As much as he loved them, he wanted to be away from them; seeing himself as almost a monster in a man's body. And in another weird way, he wanted to be hidden from the others so that he and the others would not be harmed.

And the always constant nagging thought of them getting rid of him. He always had a feeling, since when they all started to date each other, that the others never really liked him. That he was just there because of pity. That he was truly nothing. 

Ryan sighed, placing the half of the slice of food down onto the coffee table and leaned back. He started to feel hurt at his now racing thoughts, He gripped the front of his shirt as he flopped to the side, bringing his knees up to his chest and sighed. He started to feel nauseated, taking in a deep breath to calm himself.

Time was slow to pass, and the front door was soon opening and a couple of the Lads had bounded into the room. Ryan was still oblivious to that, his eyes focused on the floor and was unconsciously rocking back and forth. Gavin had placed the bags on the kitchen floor and walked back to the door and spotted Ryan out of the corner of his eye. A wide smile was across his face and he grabbed Michael, pointing towards the older.

The curly redhead rose an eyebrow, his voice low as he did not want to disturb Ryan as he thought he was just asleep, "And? Just leave him alone..."

"But... But he's finally downstairs! He finally just came down and and ..." it seemed that his loud voice was enough to startle the dirty blond from his trance like state and was quick to sit up. He stared at the other and moved away slowly, giving a tiny smile.

Michael was a bit red in the face as he snapped at Gavin, though that gave Ryan enough time to get up and start his escape. He was quickly caught, though, as it seemed that Gavin was quick to turn around as Ryan stepped on a squeaky floorboard. He still had his large smile as he stepped close to the older and held him close. IT did not really take much for Ryan to separate from the younger and back away.

"Don't.." he muttered, walking backwards and then into someone larger. He looked back and cringed a little as he saw Jack, "I... I... sorry..." he felt a little trapped as it felt as if the others were getting closer. He cringed again as Jack took his wrists, stinging. But soon it was turning numb and he was just staying there as the pain continued to numb him.

Jack took this time to bring the older towards the kitchen and sat him down on the chair, taking another after grabbing the first aid kit and sat down. "It's about time you came downstairs... your bandages are all bloody. Have you been picking at your stitches? It looks really agitated..." he touched the tender area, watching the dirty blond snap out of another trance and try and pull his arm away. Jack shook his head, sighing.

"Don't move... You don't want to have stitches for a longer period, do you?"

"I don't care... Just let go of me..." came the muttered reply, "I don't want to be a bother or or have you waste things that you can use for people like Gavin when they get hurt..." there was a shout from the living room, though Ryan ignored it as he continued to talk in an almost rushed, breathless matter, "Please leave me alone..." the ginger made a face, pushing his glasses up his nose.

"I don't want to though. So no. Don't expect me to listen to you when you know for sure that all I want to do is help you get better and get you through your internal termoil. Is that wrong of me? I don't think so and I know for certain hat the others want to help as well.."

"No they don't...!" his body tensed as he watched the other shake a small can of disinfectant spray, but when it was sprayed onto the wounds to clean it it only brought the same numbed pain as when the other gripped his wrists, "I really don't want help... Do you not know that...?" Jack laughed at that, and Ryan's cheeks consequently burned a bright pink color, "D-Don't laugh! Don't... It's true. I really don't need you're or Geoff's o Ray's or Micheal's or Gavin's help... I'm fine on my own..."

"Well, obviously you're not really... capable of that... Like..." he was quiet as he wrapped up the wounds and thought, "Like just before... You know when I found you I was not only worried as hell but now I have this feeling that I shouldn't leave you alone,"

He stood up as Ryan did, following him to his little hideaway. HE was able to get by the door before he was shut. Ryan was once again startled as he turned around and saw Jack standing behind him. The younger was slowly starting to look around the room. With a poor attempt, he pulled the other away from where he would hide and stay hidden for days on end, his tone angry.

"Leave!" he yelled. His voice cracked as the other got too close, "Jack!" the ginger stopped at that, sighing.

He slowly turned around, seeing how Ryan was staring at him coldly and was pointing at the door, "Don't come back into this room again." the ginger could only nod in defeat, not wanting to push the other to being this angry again and slowly made his way out of the room. He opened the door, was rudely pushed out and the the door was slammed behind himself. Jack scowled at first, but soon was sitting across from the bedroom and leaned heavily against the wall.

* * *

It was night when Ryan came back out of his room, peeking his head out of the doorway and saw Jack slumbering against the door. A yearn started to grow as he wanted to curl up against the other and fall asleep next to the man, but that same part of him was yelling at him to stay away and go do whatever he was going to. With a deep breath, he decided to go with the more prominent part and started to go and move around him and towards the living room.

Or not, as he could hear talking. He stood away, a bit in sight, and tried to listen to the conversation.

  
"-gonna do about him?" Ryan strained to hear the soft vice, "I mean... he's so... gone now." Gavin.

"I don't know," thank god the voice was louder this time, so it was easier to hear that it was Ray, "The guy just needs to relax... He gets stressed kinda easily now. Perhaps a good jack off would be good." there was a small period of laughter, but Ryan dd not find this to be very funny.

"I guess... that is if he could. He's all the sudden pent up in that room..."

There was a set of footsteps, stopping right next to Ryan as his location was right next to the stairs, making him easy to take by the arm and goad him towards the couch. And despite towards the awkward pulling, he had the urge to hug and and never let go.

"You guys need to know how to stop talking..." the eldest muttered, holding Ryan. He was rocking him back and forth, really finding nothing else to do. He stoked the dirty blond hair, hushing the younger as he squirmed.

"Stop moving." he murmured, pressing a kiss to Ryan's cheek. The other two looked between each other before feeling rather awkward from talking about Ryan before hand.

Gavin rubbed the back of his head, standing. Ray followed in suit. "Yeah... I'm gonna go hit the hay."

"Same." Gavin piped up, "g'night." the both of them awkwardly walked away, very quietly resuming their chat about the dirty blond.

Geoff rolled his eyes, laying down and spooned the younger. He pulled a blanket over themselves and continued to pet Ryan's hair. "I sound really repetitive.. but are you okay?"

His body was slow to relax at the touch, and despite the slowly on coming headache he was trying to get past the nagging. He found himself turning around and curling into the other, face burring into Geoff's chest. Ryan shrugged, "I dunno... tired..." he could feel the other chuckling.

"I bet... up all night...?" he rested his cheek on top of the other's head.

"Yeh..." he yawned, "couple-a days really..."

"How about..." Geoff started, "You go to sleep... in the morning everything starts a new. Alright? Sounds Fair?" Ryan was quiet for a moment, falling in and out of sleep.

"Maybe..." he murmured, finally succumbing to sleep.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay... two things.  
> 1) I know that sometimes that there will be spelling or grammar mistakes in my stories/chapters. I do not proof read them thoroughly, so really it is okay if you find one and state what it is. Or not... it really does not matter.
> 
> 2) this chapter will contain fluff, I guess? It will be sad fluff because my brain won't allow me to make it sickly sweet like the way I really want it to be. so its kind of a cross between the usual depression and like a fluff substitute. so that will be hopefully suffice?

Geoff woke up early, finding himself tucked in tightly and no warmth next to him. He sat up and looked around, taking noticed at the tired looking man that was sitting on the chair next to the couch, reading a novel absently. He watched him for a bit before standing, the blanket still wrapped tightly around himself and went towards the unsuspecting other. Ryan jumped as he felt a kiss be placed on his cheek, a 'good morning' was murmured into his ear. Ryan leaned back, looking at then away at Geoff before shrugging the words off. The older sat on the small sliver of seat that was left and drew the other into his arms, arms tight around his middle and rested his chin against his shoulder with curiosity. The dirty blond tried to ignore him the best he could, though he could not help but tense up and shift so that he was leaning a little away from him.

"Hmm... What'cha reading?" he asked. He could feel the other moving away, but Geoff was quick to pull Ryan back. It was nice to be this close to the other again, even if it was awkward and almost painful for the other.

"A book..." he sounded almost stressed out. But the older could not pick that up, even his body language was more dominate than the sound of his voice.

He truly wanted to be alone. Last night was a mistake for him and he knew that he did not want to make that same one again. He could not escape into the spare room because he feared that Jack was going to wake up and risk having him go back into the room. Pretty much his hiding spot until he could find a new one and move all of his things there to be safe and out of the way from the others.

Geoff leaned back, humming softly. "You know... I wanna do stuff with you like... well... First of all take a friggin' shower. Get that done and out of the way..." the younger made a face.

He was now forgetful to take care of himself. He barely ate. Took showers. Slept for an hour before having to wake up as he could not longer sleep. It was like he forgot how to make sure that he was healthy and clean like before. Maybe it was also because he did not have the strength to do it, or really much other than staying hidden until it was dark out when he felt comfortable now to actually roam around.

Ryan shook his head, "Not with you..."

"Yes with me. Because honestly I want to watch you and make sure that you're not hurting yourself again. Let me at least do that..." He stood up, getting the other to his feet as well, his voice lowered, "C'mon, Ry." 

The man gave a groan, reluctant as he bookmarked his page. He was so reluctant that Geoff took him by the hand, with fingers intertwining slowly, and walked him to the restroom. He left Ryan there temporarily to go and get some fresh clothing for the other and himself. He placed the two sets of clothing on the sink and got two towels before starting the shower; he adjusted the temperature until it was not too hot and not too cold. He stripped until he was just in his boxers, looking at the other with a raised eyebrow. It was not until now he saw how terrifyingly shy the other was now, and gave a smile.

"I won't look. But please." he turned around, shamelessly taking his boxers off and kicked into the clothing pile that he left behind.

He entered the shower, shivering at the sudden temperature and stood there for a moment. HE would glance back at the other, watching him from time to time. It was a while before he could hear the curtain move a bit as Ryan got into the shower awkwardly, his bandaging getting wet and stuck to his stitches. He stood there, his back towards the other and he let the stream of water hit him in the face. Geoff took this moment to turn around and stand a little closer to the younger. Ryan could feel the other's gaze on him, the wet arms once again wrapping him in a tight-unable-to-escape hug that he liked yet disliked. He craned his head to the side, feeling kisses on his shoulder and hands starting to up towards his hands and clasped them tightly.

Ryan took in a deep breath before looking back again at Geoff, seeing how his eyes were closed and his shoulders were trembling as if he was crying. He could feel the grip getting tighter and soon he was turned around, the other burying his face into the crook of Ryan's neck. All he could do was just stand there and watch the other, looking around however from time to time to try and think of an escape.

He could hear the other start to chant in a murmur 'I love you', kisses pressed to his cheek and lips. Geoff sunk down to the floor, legs spread so that the other was between them and pressed tight against his chest.

"I... You're an idiot..." there was a short chuckle, "Just... You have to at least realize now... or at least could touch how much we all love you..." he brought the other's fidgeting hands, opening his eyes to check if any harm was done. He kept the appendages close as he continued to talk, "I couldn't say this with others around... so I had to say this in the shower... but..." Ryan was shaking with anxiousness as the other paused, opening his mouth to say something but the other had already thought of the words and continued to speak, "I... don't want to lose you... That day was too close... I don't care how cheesy this is... but please..." he cupped Ryan's face and made him look directly at him, a teary smile on his face, "Please promise that you won't do this again..."

There was a pause, the dirty blond opening his mouth. But the door was knocked upon. Or really banged upon, yelling behind the door was quick to follow.

"Hey! You guys have been in here for too fucking long! Lets go girls!" Michael.

Geoff sighed, getting them both up and was soon cleaning and rinsing both of their hair. He turned the water off and opened the curtain, stepping out and wiped down with his towel. Ryan was quick to snatch his, hastily wiping down and quickly got dressed. He opened the door and moved passed Michael, leaving droplets on the floor as he went. The rage quitter quirked an eyebrow before looking at Geoff, who was getting his shirt on before leaving. He felt a hand on his chest.

"Really?"

"No. Just... Shut up. Go take your shower, dick. Don't bud into things that you don't need to know." HE pushed passed Michael and went towards the living room. He took a spot on the couch, looking at Ryan who was back on the chair from before and reading his book. He stood up and sat down in the same spot as he did before hand, resting his head on the dirty blond's shoulder.

"what do you want? I am not giving an answer..." Ryan muttered bitterly, wincing as the gauze as slowly taken off from his wrists. Geoff looked at the now very red area, touching the spots next to it.

"Nothing now... I... Don't talk... I want to hold you still and I don't want to let go." he mumbled, "Leave that for me. Alright?" there was a heavy sigh.

"Whatever..." was the rough response before the younger lapsed into a thick silence. HE felt himself start to nod off again, feeling oddly warm from Geoff's embrace. He closed his book and placed it on the floor, leaning back into the chair and rubbed his eyes pathetically. He eventually nodded off, which earned a chuckle from Geoff; who brought him closer, stroking Ryan's damp hair.


	9. Chapter 9

He woke up after really not a long time, twenty minutes at the most. This time he was wrapped up in the blanket, looking around. He tiredly rubbed his eyes and sat up stiffly. His nap was not restful, and he felt more tired now than he did before hand. Ryan covered his mouth as he yawned, tightening his grip on the thin blanket and walked around the house. He spotted Ray at the kitchen table, switching between playing on his 3DS and eating. He stopped at the doorway and stared at the younger before looking down and spoke in a meek tone.

"Oh... Hi..." Ray looked up and spoke with his mouth filled wit food.

"Hey..." it was an awkward silence as the younger finished chewing and swallowing his food, "Had a good nap?" the silence was extended, Ryan shrugged.

"okay..." he muttered, taking a seat and continued to not make any eye contact by looking around, "It's really quiet... is everyone else home?" Ray nodded.

"Outside though... They decided to go out and made me stay in here and watch over you..." Ryan made a huff.

"I am not a little child... you don't have to look after me..." Ray rose an eyebrow, setting down the gaming device down on the table and stood up.

"With the recent shit that has been going on now you need more supervision than a little child. You  _are_ the little kid. A thirty-three year old man that is really a freaking child. Seriously, Ryan, I don't get your motive for what you did but for a smart man, you're really dumb... and I'm sorry to say that, Ryan..."

The man shook his head, turning around and started to go outside as he did not want to be in the house with the other anymore. His shoulders slumped as he opened the door, "Whatever... I already know that. Don't need to know what I already know. I know I am a big child." he walked out and onto the porch, closing the screen door after himself.

It was warm out, not uncomfortably hot but it was warm enough for someone to take off the blanket that was around Ryan still. Though, the dirty blond did not as he took a spot on the edge of the porch and watched the others. He did not get why all the sudden he was going closer towards the others. He felt really stupid for doing so, as he really wanted to go back inside and vegetate in the room again. HE began to pick at his stitches, some of the lack string unraveling unknowingly and thin lines of blood were forming. His head snapped up as he heard someone calling his name, looking up and saw Gavin motioning for him to come over and join him on the picnic bench. The dirty blond gave a meek smile, feeling his body rise and move in tiny steps towards the group. Geoff put down the beer bottle as Ryan sat down next to him, though the man still looked just as weary about the older like he did earlier before his nap.

Actually he looked more nervous, fidgeting. He settled in having his legs up to his chest, though one of his legs were bouncing a bit and caused a bit of annoyance with the others. Geoff placed a hand on his knee in a vein attempt to calm the other.

"Something wrong?"

"Nah." was the vague reply, a small forced smile.

"Are-"

Ryan glanced towards Geoff, "I am sure... So it is okay."

The older just nodded along, not wanting to ask further and removed his hand from his knee. He took a sip of beer before propping his head up on the table before standing up and left for the house. Ryan tightened his grip on the blanket as he felt the other brush past him, looking down at the wooden table he was sat before and sighed. He could see the others look at him, talking among themselves in hushed tones. It got the best of him really, as he thought they were talking about him and not whatever they truly were.

There was a small laugh from Gavin, who lazily kicked up his feet onto the table and leaned into Michael. Ryan sighed, moving away from the feet. He rested his head on his knees, puffing out a cheek as he leaned over and grabbed a bottle of beer. He took the bottle opener and opened it, still cautious of the glances he was getting from the others.

"Didn't you take your meds before... like when you got up and all..." asked Jack, rather concerned like.

"Yeah... when I first woke up..." came the muttered lie, taking a drink of the bitter liquid before continuing, "But that was a while ago... So it'll be fine."

Jack nodded, though he did not believe the other one bit. He just did not want to cause any sort of problems with him. The ginger smiled as Geoff took his seat, setting down a deck of cards and a bag of casino chips in the middle of the table. HE grabbed another drink before speaking.

"Nice day to play some poker, eh?" he stated, the others except Ryan agreeing. Geoff began to shuffle the deck of cards, stopping before dealing the cards, "Are you playing, Ryan?"

"Nah..." he did not want to go inside though, so really he was just sitting there and drank. He would pick at his wrists, the others so engrossed into there game so they did not notice. He leaned into Geoff and put the blanket over his head.

He took a second bottle and opened it, taking lazy sips and blocked out the 'Gavin noises'. He knew that the other lost us by how loud the shrieking was, and how loud and pissed off Michael was when he screamed at the Brit to stop being so loud. There was a small scuffle before it was broken up from Jack sitting between them. Geoff rolled his eyes, folding his hand and leaned against Ryan, wrapping his arms around the man and watched the game play on.

This frightened Ryan, as he now just realized what he had done. He honestly did not give a shit, as the stitches really caused him to feel disgusted from the help he had when he passed out. He moved his arms out of the other's reach when he went to go and grab his hands. However, soon he was standing up and began to walk away.

Geoff furrowed his brows, "Where ya goin'?"

"Inside..." he muttered, "Don't follow..." he walked up the porch's steps and opened the door. He was quick to go to the room, passing Ray as he went.

 


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I know I know. I know it's 'depressing' and 'sad' and all of those other adjectives. But there is that fluff additive in this chapter as well so no worries uvu

The group became quiet, the game ending as soon as Ryan left the table in a rush. Geoff began to tap his fingers onto the table, chewing on his lip.

"... I found things in that room that aren't very... Ryan like..." Geoff looked up at Jack.

"What?"

"I found things in his room from before when I was talking to him and I got into his room ... I didn't look all the way since he threw a fight and pushed me out of the room. But I did found a couple of packs of cigarettes and a pair of scissors. Broken shaver. But like I said... I saw nothing else... I really wish I could have 'cause I am seriously concerned on what he is doing in there..." Jack covered his face with his hands, elbows propped on the wooden table.

The others were silent, Geoff standing up. He was starting to feel both very concerned and protective of the younger, but he had an idea that at this point the man would no longer be close as he was just five minutes ago. His nails dug into the wood, some of the scrapings getting underneath his blunt nails. He started to feel panic, fear that he was going to see the other in the hospital again.

He stood and got out of his seat, walking fast towards the house and then towards the spare bedroom. He knocked rapidly on the door, waiting a while before knocking again.

"Ryan?" there was no noise, causing the panic that had settled into his stomach to rise and soon make him feel a bit queasy. He knocked again, pressing his ear to the door and listened carefully. He could hear sniffling, muttered curses. It sounded fine really, but he did not trust it. He knocked again, his voice a low whimper.

"Ryan..."

There were footsteps and soon there was a light thump on the door as Ryan leaned against it with all of his weight. "Didn't I say to not follow me...?" he asked in a low tone, pained sounding, "Why did you follow me?"

He pressed his hand to the door, "Please open up... I need to talk to you..."

"Talk to me like this... Or get away. Either way."

"No... No I want to talk to you face to face."

"Nah. I am thinking that is a bad idea. So please. Leave. I am not wishing to be bothered," he began to move backwards, going back to the side of his bed and sat down on the floor.

Geoff banged his fist onto the door, becoming a bit agitated with the other. Even if he did not want to. But he was tired of the other and the distance already and he wanted things to be normal. He thought that it was before, but he guessed something and broke in Ryan's head, causing him to do such a thing. Geoff fell to his knees and banged his hand on the door again hard.

"Ryan. Seriously. I will bust down this door and I don't care. Open this fucking door already." the older snapped, but the want was denied. Geoff made a huff, standing up. He walked out of the house and around, grabbing a ladder from the shed and went towards the side of the house. He got weird looks from the others, but he disregarded them as he leaned the ladder against the house and slowly began to climb the ladder.

HE was thankful for the opened window, though it was now that the smell of cigarettes was pretty prominent in the air now than before hand, and he was staring at the other through the window. He carefully climbed through and stood on his toes over the other. He crossed his arms as the other stared up at him with an upset expression, breathing smoke into the older's face.

"I told you to leave me alone. Why the fuck did you climb into this room, Geoff?! Do you not listen?! Are you stupid!?" he flicked ashes into the ash tray and placed the cigarette back between his lips. He looked mad, sitting and standing up. He got in the others face, "I told you to leave. I did not want you to come into this room."

Geoff waved the smoke away from his face, scowling. He took the cig from Ryan's lips and extinguished it in the ash tray. It made the other mad, but Geoff did not care. He took his by the hands and held the shaking appendages tight.

"Listen to me,-"

"No."

The grip was tightened, "Don't fucking fight, I said listen to me Ryan fucking Haywood. I want you to give me anything and everything you have in this room. Cancer sticks. Razors. Lighters. Anything." he was slowly drawing him into a hug, arms wrapped around the younger tightly, feeling something slick and warm. It was not terrible, but it alarmed Geoff and caused his voice to become shaky, "I want you to promise me... I want you to promise me that you would stop. Talk to me..."

Ryan laughed a short, dry and angry laugh. It made Geoff a bit angry how carefree the other was on this subject. He tightened his grip as the other began to shake.

"I don't trust you to tell what is wrong. That stupid psychotherapist that you want me to go to I don't need. I am fine. I want to be alone already and I don't think that you understand... I don't want to talk about a thing..." he felt the hug get tighter and soon felt himself the other pull him down as they sunk down to the floor. He was resting against the older yet again, and he was squirming heavily.

Geoff opened his mouth to continue to speak, though the door was being knocked upon and he stood up. He was quick to go over and open it and went back to Ryan. The mustached man held onto him as four other men entered the room.

Ryan's voice was a mere whisper at this point, solely wanting Geoff to hear as the others got closer the more the pieces of the puzzle was being put together on what they missed.

"You... You don't care... None of you. And you will never care no matter the amount of fake care... The fake love... I hate it. I want it to stop... But you are so... oblivious to the point where it hurts..." he immediately clammed up as he felt another person hug him, then another and before he knew it the rest were hugging him.

Geoff on the other hand was staring at the dirty blond and was trying to hold back his tears. He truly loved this man, though it seemed that the other was unable to believe it. It struck pain in his chest, making it hard to breathe and think. He kept himself holding onto the other with a much loose grip, burying his face into the crook of Ryan's neck and pressed kisses to his cheek.

"I... I... I want you all to leave..." Ryan tried to sound demanding, but he was slowly succumbing to his voices and it was causing him to get a headache from trying to listen to all of them.

Jack was the first to speak, taking the bleeding forearm tightly, "I, and I know for sure that the rest, are and never will leave you. So please. Don't talk so much..."

Gavin was next to pipe up before Ryan could speak, snuggled close into the man and was petting his hair gently, "Yeah... I really don't want to leave. As sad as the situation is... I like this... I want to be this close like we have before..." he gave a small smile, but Ryan was obviously not believing those words.

"I don't care..." he squirmed, but it did not help much as everyone was practically on top of each other with himself at the bottom of the small dog pile, "You don't care. Don't lie..."

"We aren't lying-"

"Yes you are..." he pressed his face to the floor, drawing in a deep, shuddering breath. He was able to bring his legs to his chest, trying to make himself smaller.

He sniffled, eyes closing. He felt someone press against himself and rocked him. He felt dizzy and confused, really. He felt as if he would vomit from how confusing everything was. But that little nagging thought, so loud it was hard to hear the others talk to him at this point. He sniffled, burring his face into whoever's chest that was snuggled against him.

After some time, maybe an hour, he did not know, he felt himself being pulled up, looking at the ginger through glassy eyes. Jack leaned against the wall and took Ryan by the arm. He checked the bandages, thankful that the cuts have stopped bleeding before placing it back over the wounds so that they would not become infected or picked at. He then drew the older into a hug and rested his head on top of Ryan's with a sigh.

"You took a long nap... Exhausted yourself out," he murmured, "But you were muttering things... and you were very restless... Look even more worn out now than before your nap... Guessing you had a bad dream...?" 

Ryan rubbed his eyes, narrowing his eyes in a squint to look at the bearded man, "... Oh... I didn't realize..." he looked around, subconsciously rubbing his arm. He soon pulled the blanket over himself as he was starting to feel uncomfortable.

He felt weak as well. Tired and cold. His stomach kept rumbling but he could not have himself to get up to eat anything. It felt like a challenge to think about getting up to go and find something to eat. He found himself curling into Jack and wrapped his arms around himself. He yawned, shrinking down as Jack spoke again.

"Do you want anything...?"

"... Quiet... Your voice is making my head hurt..." he felt a hand press onto his forehead and then slowly drawn away.

"You do feel warm... Are you feeling okay...?" Jack laid down and grabbed Ryan's hand, not as hard as it was beforehand. His thumb was making gentle circles on the top of the others, fingers intertwining.

"Yeah... Just... Tired..." Jack nodded, turning onto his side and rose and eyebrow at the other.

"... How about you go back to sleep, eh? I'll stay here or someone else will... You need your strength and all."

Ryan shook his head, slowly moving towards the other. But he stopped and backed away, turning so that his back was to the younger, "It's okay... I'll be fine... You can leave or whatever... Just be silent, okay?"

Jack gave a hesitated nod, looking towards the door as he saw it open and Gavin come in. He guessed that the other wanted to stay with the dirty blond now. Sighing, the ginger got up. His bones cracked and popped painfully as he and the Brit changed spots. Gavin had took the spot in front of Gavin and laid down next to him, quick to snuggle into the older and hold him tight despite the protest.

 


	11. Chapter 11

Ryan groaned as the other became so close like before, pressing his hands to his chest and tried to push him away. He gave an exasperated sigh, feeling the others hands clasp around his and fingers intertwined. He did not appreciate that much, and all he could do was tense his hands up and contort his body away from the other awkwardly. He hissed as he felt a warm finger touch his stitches, forgetting that he accidentally pulled some loose from when he was outside. He tried to bend his wrist so that he was hiding the wounds, not wanting the other to look or to touch them anymore than he had already. Gavin, being a rather stubborn man, turned his arm so that he could look at the area. He watched the blood drip down, taking a tissue and wiped it away as gentle as his shaking hands can. He pressed a wad of tissues onto the area and looked down at it.

"Did you do that...?" Gavin asked in a meek manner, the color draining from his ace as the other shook his head. He did not know if he should believe the other, "Are you lying?"

"I'm not lying..." he muttered, "Don't accuse me of lying, Gavin..." The Brit puffed a cheek out, sitting up and brought the other up with him.

HE was quiet for a while, staring at the other with cloudy eyes. HE furiously rubbed his eyes, not wanting to cry. He drew in a deep breath before getting up to his feet, hearing the other's stomach growl loudly, getting Ryan to his feet as well. "C'mon... Let's go and get something to eat... You must be starving... How long have you not eaten anything?"

Ryan had to be tugged to be get going, sighing as he was asked the question. He could not remember how long it was, maybe a day or so was his last meal. But the sound and smell of it now made him feel sick. He felt himself being sat down at the table and soon a sandwich, small as Gavin really did not know what the other wanted so he ended up making a rather sloppy peanut butter and jelly sandwich. He gave a smile and sat next to Ryan. HE watched the other poke and prod at it, then push the plate away and put his head down in his arms.

"I am not really hungry..."

"Yeah... No... That's a lie, love. Even I know that. You look like you're going to faint..." Ryan waved his hand dismissively.

"Still not-"

Gavin was quick to interrupt him. He sounded desperate, "Please? Just a bite... Then you don't have to anymore and and then you can go back to your room and and and..." he hung his head down, sighing heavily.

"Are you going to complain more about it?"

Gavin was quick to shake his head, "No... No I won't complain... I'm just  _begging_  you. I am so worried, Ryan..."

The older took the sandwich, making a face as he touched the jelly. He took a very quick bite of the sandwich before placing it down and stood up. He grabbed a napkin and wiped his fingers after wetting the napkin. He took another, looking behind himself to make sure the other was not looking at him before spitting the food into the napkin and threw it out. Ryan wiped his wet hands onto his pants and walked away, going towards the bookshelf in the living room and took a book. He turned, seeing Gavin right behind himself. He rose an eyebrow.

"What?"

"Nothing... Nothing..." he leaned up and pressed a kiss to his cheek and turned around, going over towards the couch and flopped down, "... If you want we can just stay down here." Ryan made a face, turning and walked away.

"I rather not." he walked up the stairs and back towards his room.

The door opened, Michael walking in and laid down on the bed, looking down at the older; who was almost done reading the novel that was in his hands. Once the story has come to a close, Ryan closed the book and was startled as he saw brown eyes staring at him.

"They told me it's my turn to watch over you. I'm going to say now that I'm not going to move far. I'll let you do whatever. But you pick up something you're not supposed to I'll take it. Alright? I don't want to talk to you like a child, Ryan," he moved as the other stood up and started to go for the door, "But you know... Perhaps I have to. 'cause lately you have been acting stupid. What's with that?"

Ryan shoved his hands into his pockets and started to go back downstairs, walking back to the bookshelf and placed the book he had just finished onto the shelf. He picked out a couple of more before turning. He passed the auburn and went up the stairs. He began to close the door before Michael put his foot in the doorway. Giving an aggravated sigh, he left the door and walked towards the side of the bed and sat down. He leaned against the bed and opened one of the books. He did not read far, his eyes going out of focus and glassy looking. Michael did not really pick up on that, simply sitting down on the bed and watched the other.

It was not for a long time before he had realized that the other had not moved for the past couple of minutes, only then did he shake the other, calling his name as quiet as he could. The rage gamer made a face, rolling off the bed and onto the floor and crawled towards the other. He straddled his hips and shook him until the other was shaking his head and was looking up at the younger.

"S-stop..." he blinked, staring at the wall behind Michael to refocus his eyes before looking back at him, "Don't... don't do that..."

"Then why did you just do that?" came the retorted question.

"Did what...?" Michael furrowed his brows and shook his head, standing up and laid back down on the bed.

"Never mind... just... get back to reading or whatever..." he watched the other carefully, seeing how he was carefully straightening the pages that he crumpled and tried to go back to reading. Ryan eventually gave up, dog-earring the page and set it to the side, flopping down and curled up.

"Something wrong...?" Michael asked in a mutter.

"... My head hurts... it's... nothing though." Ryan closed his eyes, hearing the bed creak again among the other noises that he could hear, but weren't actually there.

"Dizzy?"

"I don't know..."

The younger leaned forward a little, pushing his glasses up his nose and looked carefully at the other, before sliding down and of the bed. He leaned forward again and pressed the back of his hand to Ryan's forehead, shaking his head.

"Are you feeling sick?" he asked, wrapping the blanket around the older and made sure that he was snug and warm. Ryan nodded, leaning away from the other and curled back up on the floor.

"No..." he covered his head with the blanket, "I ...  want sleep..."

Michael nodded, laying down next to the other, seeing how he was twitching and trying to sleep like he had said. Though it seemed that he had ran out of sleep and was back to sitting up and awake. The dirty blond rubbed his eyes, twitching again as crossed his legs. He stopped trying to go to sleep, fidgeting a little. Michael rolled his eyes.

"Stop moving... It's annoying..." Ryan slunk down as he sensed the other's anger, nodding and sat in a ball. HE felt the other bring him close, rubbing his arm. Michael lowered his voice, "... Sorry... I guess. I'm just in a bad mood. But whatever, you know. You don't care at all. You don't care about any-fucking-thing lately and really I don't get why the fuck I am saying this for. Like you're just a body laying around now and you don't talk." Ryan covered his face with his hands and shook his head.

"I won't say anything that's wrong... 'cause you don't care." the grip around him was tightened, and he was feeling rather constricted and panicked a little. He cringed as he felt his hair being petted, cheeks cupped and he was forced to look at the younger.

"If you say that once more I'm going to lock you in the closet, Ryan... Don't be stupid." he let go of his face after planting a kiss on his lips, "Now please... Relax," he rocked the other, looking over the bed as he heard the door open, seeing Ray. Michael shook his head, motioning him to leave. The Puerto Rican stopped in his spot, standing on the tip of his toes to look and see. He stood normally and crossed his arms, but nodded as he saw the glare and left slowly. Michael looked back down at the older and tightened the blanket around him.

"I think... I think he wanted to talk to you about something..." Ryan mumbled a bit breathlessly.

The other gave a huff, "He can wait... for now I want to stay with you and be a selfish bitch and hold you until you're fucking  _fine._ I want to make sure of that. Protest all you want. I don't care."

"They don't want you here... Ray needs to talk to you... I'm annoyed that I can't be alone... I don't like this..."

Michael held his head close to his chest and shook his head, "Shut up." Ryan opened his mouth to say something but the younger beat him to it, "No... Shut up." 

Ryan took in a deep breath, held it, and slowly let go of it. He crossed his arms and looked at the wall angrily. Michael nodded, looking back as the door opened again and narrowed his eyes at Geoff.


	12. Chapter 12

Michael was reluctant to leave Ryan, who was finally able to curl int the younger and relax a bit. HE was still tensed, but it was better than nothing. Geoff, however, was more cold and walked straight up to the two and knelt down, whispering into Michael's ear.

"I need to talk to you. Don't make this hard, Michael. I know you're protective and all that shit but now is not the time to be. It's a group meeting now. You included." the redhead crossed his arms, looking down at Ryan, who was looking between the two, and Geoff. He gave a heavy sigh and removed the older off of him and laid him down. He got to his feet and shoved his hands into his pockets. He scowled as he walked away from the dirty blond slowly and after Geoff, making sure that Ryan was not following before continuing. He sat heavily down on the couch, leaning back with his legs crossed out in front of him, feeling the two spots next to him dip. He took a quick glance from left to right before shaking his head.

"What the fuck do you want?" Michael asked in a gruff voice.

Geoff kept standing, hands folded in front of himself. He stayed quiet, which enraged Michael. HE wanted to know what was going to happen to Ryan. He was making a move to stand up but he was pulled down and soon Geoff gathered enough strength to talk about the matter.

"... What exactly are we going to do with Ryan?" He asked, taking a seat on the chair, leaning forward, "I mean. He's not alright no matter how much he says and I don't know what to do with him. He says he does not want psychotherapy... But at the same time he desperately needs it. The doctor did say that he could be admitted into the psychiatric ward..." he ran a shaking hand through his hair, "I don't know. I've been thinking about this for a long time... And I wanted for you guys to help. Or at least give some sort of help..." the rest of the group was silent, as if they themselves were confused on what to do.

"I don't want him to go there," collective nodding, and Michael continued, "but the man's so stubborn I don't think that it would really matter."

Jack spoke up after, "Maybe he just needs that... He needs help... and I'm for him getting therapy of some sort... Not necessarily psychiatric ward... Perhaps if he gets worse. But for now, I would think psychotherapy would be much better. That way he can talk and vent. Get rid of those thoughts. Or at least help him cope with it..." another collective nod.

It seemed that no one wanted to really talk about this. Gavin looked uncomfortable. Ray was trying not to get into it as he did not want to think about this. Michael was mad ad at the same time he did not want to leave Ryan as he was fearful that Ryan was doing things he was not supposed to, and he even began to fidget. Jack was willing to help though, as well as Geoff. But both did not know how to do so and it brought both closer and started to talk to each other in a hushed voice.

The rest of the group began to slowly break up, Michael and Gavin going upstairs, as the younger of the two decided to come along and check on Ryan himself.

* * *

 

The smell of cigarettes became prominent, Gavin covered his nose as he gagged. He opened the door and saw Ryan leaning on the window sill and flicked the ashes out the window with a shaking hand. He gave a cough, his knees locking up. Michael and Gavin looked at each other before they both slowly entered the room, Ryan tensing as the floorboard creaked loudly, looking behind himself and sighed. He blew out smoke and looked away, leaning over and extinguished the cig on the window sill, though it was still smoking for a little until it was further crushed by the palm of Ryan's hand. It burned, but the man seemed to not care. He did not take another, as he only had two more left and did not want to waste them until he could sneak out and buy more at the store. He pressed his forehead to the window and leaned away as he felt someone placed a hand on his shoulder.

"You guys talk really loud..." Gavin and Michael looked at one another before at Ryan again as he spoke, "I don't need help..."

"Yes you do. Don't be stupid, Ryan." the older began to fiddle with the cigarette box before going against what he mentally told himself and took out one, placing it between his pale lips and lit it. He drew in a deep drag, blowing the arm smoke out his nose and shook his head.

"I am not wanting to go. I will not. No matter how much you say or force me or anything. I am fine. I am not needing that therapy that you oh so insist."

The redhead came closer, leaning against the wall and closed his eyes, "I know you don't want to. But one day you need to stop being a big fuckin' baby and grow a pair and accept the fact that you need help. Don't you want to get better and have a better life and all that other fucking shit?" his voice was getting loud, cheeks red, the more he got angry, "Are you just that stupid right now that you just can't tell that we love you and want you to have help?!"

Ryan was quiet for a long time, looking at the other out of the corner of his dark eyes, "Help? There is no such thing for someone like I. I give the help, inadequate that is from what you and the others say behind my back. I am just here and you know you don't care. Don't pity me. I am a thirty-three year old man living with five, very oblivious people and that is what hurts among other things I will not ever say. You and the rest are very self-centered and when in trouble you make it about yourself. I have found you and Gavin do that a lot. Ray? Ray does not care. Jack is too silent and introvert like to try and help while Geoff cares too much about everything else. I am left to clean up." He became quiet, focusing for a bit on the cigarette.

"I fix things in the background with all the dwindling knowledge I have. Yet it always break afterwards," he continued, "Always seems to be fucked over more somehow after it has been picked up to be mended carefully again." he finally turned and gave a hollow smile, taking the cancer stick from his lips. "Like I have said. I am the one that gives the help," his words got quieter, and he refused to make eye contact now, "I prefer to have no help. I prefer that. It does not matter. You and Gavin and Ray and Jack and Geoff. You need it the most. Why waste it on someone that stays in the background and waits for the worse time possible to speak? Why waste it on someone that does not deserve anything?"

Ryan laughed, hand forming fists, "How fucking stupid is that? Enlighten me, Michael Jones. Tell me how you and the rest are so stupid for doing that to a man that should be considered dead."

The said man kept his ground, but was not talking for a long time. He needed for the information to sink in, to let his own racing thoughts calm own so that they could form more coherent thoughts. He gripped his messy hair and bit his lip before speaking, "It's not stupid, Ryan. It's the truth. You know as well as I do that no matter how much you fuck up that we still love you."

"Do not lie to me" the older snapped, "Do not ever lie to me! I cannot fathom such words as all this relationship is a pity fuck. It hurts. And no matter how much you say, they always win an are always right. Now fucking excuse me, I need to go and get more cigs." he pushed passed him, legs stiff as he went towards the door, and like that he was out of the room, making sure to grab his wallet before exiting the house itself and down the street to the local convenience store for more cigarettes.


	13. Chapter 13

It was several more weeks until Ryan and the rest went back to work. Though more for the dirty blond it was sitting at his desk and staring at the computer that was slowly turning on. He felt lost without his stitches, which were removed only a couple of days ago, and all that was left behind was deep looking scars. He would scratch at them, really having nothing else. He was forced to give up his trusty razor, and even had to be look after if he wanted to shave the scruff that he would grow at times. He felt like a little child when the others did so. He did not believe the others.

All the 'I love you's.

All the 'I need you's.

All the 'Stay strong's.

All of those words made him feel sick. He did not want the others to waste their time with him. He thought of himself as useless and nothing. HE just felt there. He could not feel the hands that would touch his or the small words of 'Are you okay?'. He honestly felt trapped and it made his chest constrict painfully. All he wanted to do was go home and be out of the way from the others and work that seemed to just pile up from being out for so long. He gripped his hair, taking in a deep breath and lead back.

Ryan took a look around. Jack was staring at his screen, then towards Ryan as his gaze was there for a little longer than what the older wanted. The dirty blond looked away quickly once eye contact was made, a dark, embarrassed blush spreading quick across his cheeks. Jack only gave a smile before looking back towards his screen.

The dirty blond then looked towards his left, watching Geoff type away at his computer. He did not know what the message was about, even squinting a little to look as he was so curious. He gave up after a few seconds, slowly directing his attention towards the Lads. The three of them were talking among each other, playing a game against each other. Ryan was thankful that they did not see his gaze unlike Jack. And he was also very thankful that the five others did not notice that he was standing up and walked slowly out of the room. He quietly closed the door and began to walk down the hallway.

He avoided everyone. Even the ones that said hello or did not say hello. Or really anything. He shied away from the main room of the building, staying close to the wall. He had to turn around as he did not want to be bothered or have the others be bothered with his presence.

Ryan jumped as he felt a hand be placed on his shoulder, tensing up and looked behind himself. He looked away as he saw his former deskmate, but did guess that she had followed him. The younger looked at him, narrowed eyes that were genuinely filled with concern.

"Is there something wrong? You're really jumpy, Ryan..."

He forced a smile, but did not reply. That further concerned Lindsay but the older was already walking away by the time she was about to talk. Lindsay did follow, staying a bit behind the dirty blond as they entered the Achievement Hunter office again. Lindsay stopped at the door to her little office off set to the bigger room, leaning against the door frame and watched as Ryan went up towards Geoff. She was a little bit mad as she could not hear what was being said, so she entered the room further. She decided to go towards the Lads, catching a little snip of what the other two were talking about.

"-I want to go home..." muttered Ryan, who was beginning to pick at the sides of his fingers until they bled. It was a nervous habit he picked up. "I can't stay here..."

The older gave the man a look, "Just stay a little longer... Alright, Ry? We all want to go home but first need to get all of these videos checked and shit and other really boring fucks."

The man sat heavily on his chair, making a sound as he put his head into his hands. He wanted to get rid of this fear that was bubbling in his chest. He felt as if everyone was watching him and it was starting to freak him out. His nerves were becoming high and he wanted to go and relieve it. The walls felt like they were getting closer, as well, making it hard to think. His stomach knotted painfully as the fear had settle in and refused to banish. He wanted to feel safe.

He had moved to make himself smaller, wrapping himself tight in his arms. But this position did not last long as he walked over towards the white couch and curled up.

* * *

 

Lindsay watched the man and rose an eyebrow, taking Ryan's chair and leaned forward to talk hush to Geoff.

"What's wrong with him?"

"It's not of your business, Lindsay..." came the muttered reply.

"Jeeze, it sorta is now. He looks nervous about something. Did something h-"

"I said it's not of your fucking business, Lindsay. Please, drop it." The redhead crossed her arms and shook her head.

"I don't want to really," she persisted, "I just want to know."

Geoff turned in his seat and took off his headphones, "And I said no. It stays in my family and I refuse to say it to anyone else. Am I crystal?"

She gave a small, hesitant nod.

"Good. Now please. Go over somewhere else..." he turned around and tried to go back to his work. Lindsay looked between the men. How separated and distant they all looked from another. How worn out they looked. Even Gavin, the ball of never ending sunshine, was dull and looked very tired. Even his addiction to Red Bull was not enough to keep him awake. Michael was even different. He was less rage-like and more mild mannered, only getting frustrated with himself and not Gavin or Ray; who was now sitting far from the other two and was playing on his 3DS silently.

Lindsay sighed, standing up and scuffed her feet on the carpet as she walked towards her little shared office and closed the door. She sat at her desk and tried to work.

* * *

Hours later, Geoff finally stood up after completing an episode with the other willing three and left it there to go and check later on. He turned and looked towards the couch, seeing no Ryan. He furrowed his brows, confused to where he went. He left the others, who were all packing up and closing their computers down, and went to go and find the man. He saw him wandering the halls, pacing up and down. Fiddling with his hands in order to occupy himself. HE watched him sit down against the wall. Geoff approached him with utmost caution, kneeling down in front of the younger. He reached out and grabbed his hand, the touch snapped Ryan out of being zoned out and he looked at the other briefly.

"Thought you had work to do..." he muttered, taking his hand away. He could not move as he feared that the other would follow him as well. So, he tried to make himself smaller and kept his gaze at the floor. His voice was wavering, sounding distant, "o-or are we going home..." his hands twitched as he waited for the response.

"Yeah... I have to come back though... Get something done first..." Relief washed over Ryan, but he still felt shaky and almost nauseous. He felt himself being helped up, though the older was in his face and looking over him. He try to shy away, but his wrist was grasped and he was brought over again.

"You look sick... are you okay?"

"F-Fine..." he cleared his throat, "I'm fine."

Geoff shook his head, placing the back of his hand on Ryan's forehead, "You're shaking and feel warm... are you sure...?" a nod. But the mustached man did not buy it, though decided to let it go before backing away and turned for the door.

"Fine... Fine... Must be the withdrawal then..."

There was another nod, letting the other know that it was 'just the withdrawal' from cigarettes. It really was because his thoughts were becoming rapid and it was becoming hard to take control of them. He could feel his throat tighten. He kept where he was, holding himself together as much as he could as he waited for the others to come back. HE was quick to stand, though slow to walk to the car. He could hear Gavin calling 'shot gun', Ray and Michael groaning in unison. But other than that everything went mute.

Or was it him. He could not tell. Everything felt slow and warm.

He was thankful when they got to the car, sitting next to the door. His cheek was pressed against the cool window, waiting for everyone else to come into the automobile. He did not bother with buckling in, not caring as the person that sat next to him did so. He was just glad to go home. He was glad that the panic he was feeling was alleviating. Slowly though, as it was still bubbling when he thought the car was going slower.

He felt his chest constrict again and he was twitching. He was tempted to ask if they were almost there. But that was a stupid question. Ryan closed his eyes and took in deep breaths to calm himself down.

* * *

 

He felt something warm and callused touch his cheek, breath hitching as he as forced to look at the ginger. He unbuckled the other, bringing him close.

"You're not okay... are you..." he murmured. Ryan insisted that he did, "You were scared to come back... You thought we told everyone... didn't you...?" Ryan did not make a motion to answer the question, "It's okay if you did... But I will say the only people that we did tell are Matt and Burnie so that they know and have it on record," that seem to put Ryan back into a state of panic, speaking in a rushed tone.

"No I didn't want anyone else to know I didn't want that why would you do that?!"

"Geoff did so... Like I said. For it to be on record just in case you... well... yeah..." Jack rubbed the back of his head. He waited a little until he spoke again, "And just to say... If you have another one of those urges to cry and anything else like before... It's okay. I promise that i will help you through whatever was going through your head. Just talk away, that is if you are comfortable."

The dirty blond hung his head low, opening the door with a heavy hand and messily got out of the car. He scuffed his feet on the ground as he walked up to the door, sniffling pathetically as he opened it. He could hear the door closing, looking behind himself and watched the other come closer.

Ryan walked into the house, knowing that he was not allowed to immediately go up into his room. So he went to the couch, flopping down heavily with legs in the air and face in a pillow. He felt sick still. Felt like everyone was watching him. He tried to shut everything out but the worried voices that came was enough to make him weakly throw a pillow towards the small crowed.

Gavin picked up the offended item, holding it close as he sat on the arm rest of the sofa. He ran a hand through the knotted dirty blond hair, looking from Ryan to the rest of the group.

"Just leave him alone... I think his attack worn him out... Just leave him to rest." Jack murmured, motioning the usual ball of sunshine away from the oldest. Gavin was reluctant, but was soon tugged away by Michael and was led away from the living room. Ray followed after them, leaving Jack alone with the other. He sat down on the chair and watched him, making sure that he would not have another panic attack in his sleep like the night before. He was cautious as he moved closer, taking Gavin's spot and went against his own words as he carded a gentle hand through Ryan's hair.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's a really short one. Sorry ; ; But Im updating twice 'cause why the hell not. So I guess it does not matter...

Jack looked down at the older as he felt him stir, taking his hand away and watched as Ryan opened his eyes. He felt heavy and worn out still. His throat felt dry and he felt like he was not there. He looked up and then away as he saw Jack staring down at him. He was too tired to move away from the gaze, something that he wished the other would stop. He buried his head and tried to get back to sleep, though he could not seem to go back to sleep and soon found himself sitting up on his knees and staring at the pillow that he was sleeping on. He rubbed his eyes and yawned, dark eyes looking up at the ginger as he spoke.

"Had a good nap?" Ryan shrugged, looking out the window and saw that it was night, "Do you want anything?" another shrug, but this time Ryan spoke in a slow, low voice that was rather hard to hear.

"More sleep... So tired..." a pause and a yawn, the dirty blond stretched and he leaned against the couch heavily. His head nodded, and he rubbed his eyes to hopefully stay awake.

"Perhaps coffee...?"

"No... No... It's okay... I'll live..." Jack furrowed his brows, but shook his head and sat down next to the older and resumed petting his hair.

Ryan watched the hand out of the corner of his eyes. But he could not deny the fact that the hand that was running through his hair felt nice. He felt relaxed at the gentle touch, even if his body would tense up at times as he was so used to being so uptight and anxious around everyone. He found himself curling up against the younger with his head on Jack's leg. His eyes fluttered shut, but immediately opened as he heard heavy footsteps come into the living room. He sat up and away from the other, who frowned, and watched as Michael sat heavily on the couch next to him with a sour expression.

Jack rose an eyebrow, asking Michael 'Are you okay?' but was responded by a gruff 'nothing.'

"Are you lying to me Michael...?" the silence thickened before he nodded.

"Yeah... Just..." he ran a hand through his hair, "I've just been thinking... but. I can't talk here." he stood up, leaving the other to follow or not. Jack did, glancing towards Ryan before following Michael outside. He sat next to the other at the edge of the porch, placing his hand on top of the other's.

"I'm really worried about Ryan, ya know? Really stupid to say but I can't help... Help but think that he's dwindling away more," he laid back, subconsciously grabbing Jack's hand and squeezed it tightly, "I was watching him before a couple of days ago. Writing in a journal. He looked so angry and stuff and he was crying and muttering thing and I know he isn't right in the head and all but he seemed really out of touch," he took in a deep breath before continuing his rambling, "And I don't know what it is but it's scary. I want to know what that is but its in his room... and you know how he is..."

The older stared out into the dark lawn, chewing on his lower lip, "... Maybe it is a good thing that we try and find that journal... Maybe it'll give us a better thing to go by and see what's going through his head... I want him to talk. I want him to get rid of that anger and that sadness he has. Maybe it would be best as well... He does start therapy soon according to Geoff... which is good... We can tell whoever it is about it and give it to them."

Michael sat and got up, "yeah. Good idea... But if I get caught I'm blaming you." Jack scowled, watching the other leave.

The curly redhead sneaked past Ryan, waving at Ryan as the older watched the other go up the stairs. He slowly looked back down to his book, Michael letting out a sigh of relief as he saw that and sneaked into Ryan's room. He began to look everywhere, under the bed. In the closet. He checked just about every crevasse before noticing a missed placed piece of wood. Curiously, he crawled back over towards it and removed it, giving a large smile as he saw the journal, the front cover had some droplets of dried blood but it did not matter. Michael stood up, hiding the book in his pants and fixed his shirt so that it was hiding it better as he walked quickly back outside. He smiled at Ryan, who gave him a weird look. The younger disregarded the look and went back to Jack.

 


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am warning now. This chapter may get triggering. Im sorry. But its just how I am writing this story. if you dont want to read this than dont. It wont really make much of a difference if you do or not. So its okay to skip, I will not yell at you for doing what you wanted to do.
> 
> However... if you do decide to read... Italics are the journal that is being read by the guys. There will be more passages in the later texts or really references of them.

The ginger watched as Michael pulled the book out from his pants and sat heavily on the ground. Michael opened to the first page, watching as a picture fell out. He picked it up, seeing how it was more of a collage of words than an actual drawn picture. He disregarded the paper as he read the first page.

 

_June 1_

_I guess its time to start writing again haven't since high school... I am not knowing. Its difficult now to think. I can't believe that they are back... I took mediation for it ... but its no longer working and it scares me so much. Hopefully the others will think of different and say it is just the stupid crazy side of me that no one takes seriously. I really hope that this would be temporary... Don't need this to last long even if medication is coming soon. Hope they dont see it. That I am crumbling so slow. it hurts._

 

Michael leaned against the post, looking back as he heard the door of the car close and Geoff coming through the gate. The elder quirked an eyebrow.

"Whatcha reading?" Michael looked towards Jack, who shrugged. The youngest took in a deep breath.

"Ryan's journal..." Geoff let out a small 'heh' and moved to sit down next to him, taking the book with him.

"Story time with you two... Sounds interesting..." he muttered, skimming the first page before going to the next. The next couple of pages seemed to be ripped out, so what was left was a more messy and almost rushed.

 

_Whatever date, fuck fu c k_

_I ca nt think they ust be laughi ng vrything hurts and I can't maybe I should go..._

_yes n o yes no...? I shoul dnt be alive... he came back.. its voice sounds like him... make it stop..._

 

The rest of the passage was too messy to read, droplets of blood and tear stains. Geoff felt a bit queasy. He had a harder time getting the pages to come apart, making a face and simply ended up turning the page. There was a razor taped to the page with an arrow that said 'friend' next to it. He swallowed thickly. He tried to disregard, not wanting to have anything that may cause Ryan to notice anything off. He lifted the book closer to his eyes as it was hard for him to read the scribble.

 

_August… whatever…_

_Days are getting slower… and longer… I don’t like it.. I want it to be short sorry for the blood… I had an uh itch. It made my head fuzzy and I cant think… whatever… I need a drink or something. Maybe get hammered… odd… thought Ill never write that… whatever... Itll be nice and maybe itll change if im drunk maybe they will be suppressed..._

 

_Whatever date..._

_Ive stopped eating finally... took me a while. I cant do this food thing anymore. makes me sick. need this to e gone anyhow... so meh i will continue this even if forced to stop it feels great to be in control of this whatever I dont care if they think its harmful they dont love me they hate me they hate me they hate me I cant do a thing right Im worse than Gavin He probably thinks im stupid as well... Soon it would be the end though. they won't have to give their fake care to me anymore and have someone more better. Someone they can love. someone not me_

 

_Date... September?_

_I found a new razor... I think one of them saw blood whoops... I fucked up. Im so stupid Forgive me-_

 

Geoff could not read anymore, having to flip to the last of the pages. It was not as bad as in the beginning. Rather clean and neat. More proper grammar and it seemed like a quiet time in the struggle. He chewed his lips, allowing Jack to take the journal and read.

 

_September 29_

_I feel okay... I guess... no blood ... no nothing... Just hearing his voice disgusts me now... I wish I could suppress it with something but hurting myself is causing suspicion... I was already asked so by Ray... guess he saw the scars... Fucking stupid... hope it doesnt happen again. On a much lighter, I guess, note I started to smoke again. It feels nice now. Brings warmth... I've also been keeping a log-see ripped out page- on weight progress... they made me gain a few. Gross. Don't do that. I want to lose not gain. My goal is ten more pounds... maybe then binge on alcohol... Dont know..._

 

Jack flipped through a couple of more pages until he found what Ryan was mentioning. It was a torn page with dates and numbers. A bobby pin was tapped to it. He opened the page itself further and looked through it. He had to put it back and close the book before he would be sick.

"That's enough for today... Go put this back..." he muttered slowly, watching Michael do as he was told and quickly went inside.

* * *

The man checked on Ryan, seeing that he was not there. Panicking, he tried to play it cool as he went up the stairs and to the room, watching the man move around panic like and was rushing around.

"What's wrong?"

"Where is it?!" Michael crinkled his brow, faking curiosity.

"What?"

"Something important...!" came the rushed response, the man groaning as he dropped to his knees, muttering to himself and tugged at his hair. He looked closed to tears, and it tugged at Michael's heart as he watched the other start to hyperventilate.

He caved in, tossed the book in front of Ryan and looked away.

"Sorry..." he watched the man look down at the book then at Michael, quickly snagging it and held it close.

He looked at him with disbelief.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey its that fluff additive time again but this time its more of its cousin sad fluff. ahhh sorry if I have been making people sad and stuff Im trying to put some fluff and love and stuff like that into it but im just poop like that to not. sorry again unu

Ryan sat there, clutching his notebook to his chest before making sure that all of the pages were still in place and nothing was missing. His heart stopped as he did not see the collage of words he had, looking around with panic as he tried to find it. He started to break as he could not place the paper, and it did not help that Jack and Geoff came into the room. They both stopped as they saw Ryan with his notebook and looking about ready to pass out as Michael just stood there silently and watched. The two at the doorway squeezed in and walked slowly towards the other two. Ryan moved back until he was against the wall.

"Why...?" was the only word that broke through the thick silence, the word forced out breathlessly.

The other three men looked among each other, but it was a silent vote for themselves. Geoff beat it to the other two, walking closer to Ryan and knelt down in front of him. He reached out to take his hand, but the younger flinched and moved away. He did not want to be touched, especially since the trust he thought was coming back was gone so quick. Geoff frowned, getting an inch closer before taking in a deep breath.

"All we wanted to do was know what was going on... You don't tell us anything anymore and we were getting concerned and... And so I guess either Jack or Michael," Michael made a motion to signify that it was he that took the journal, "and we read it but not the entire thing..."

He stopped talking as he could see that the other was no longer paying attention. Ryan was looking through all of the pages again, making sure that the others were not watching as he carefully took the razor out and pocketed it before going through it further. He closed the book ad tried to calm down, wrapping his arms around himself and took in deep, slow breaths. His head swam and he felt faint from his small panic before, but he was trying to push pass that. He forced himself to look at the other three.

"You... you... took a page..."

Michael piped up, "No! No we didn't.... Don't be stupid, Ry..." he stepped closer, a bit more than Geoff and sat down. He reached out just like Geoff, and unlike him kept a hold of Ryan's hand and intertwined his finger. He held the appendage tight as he felt the struggle, "Don't be upset either... We needed to know. I know it was stupid and shit but you don't talk to us. You don't care to even come downstairs or take care of yourself. You're all skin and bones and you look so unhappy and," his voice was getting loud, not noticing as Ryan started to coward, "And Why the fuck would you do any of this?! Why the fucking shit would you do this and not know of the fucking consequences! Why-" he felt a hand be slapped across his cheek. It was a weak move but it definitely shocked all of them.

Breathing heavily again, Ryan recoiled his hand and stood up shakily, but sat back down as he was too dizzy to keep standing. He scooted away. Michael removed the hand from his cheek, watching the older before looking up at Geoff, fright heightened and shown clearly in his brown eyes. The mustached man came a little closer, Jack by his side, and came next to the dirty blond.

"Stay back..."

"No..." the eldest took Ryan's cold hands, feeling them shake. He gathered the other in his arms, feeling Michael and Jack come in closer and lean into the hug, "I don't want to leave you. Not now not ever... I know you're upset and all but please... calm down..."

That did not help, the man felt his chest constrict and his eyes darted between the others. He shook his head, throwing out as many signs that he wanted to be alone. The others did not notice this, and Geoff brought him closer.

"No... No I said l-leave me alone... oblivious..." the dirty blond sounded tired, his rapid breathing starting to slow then speed up and then slow. He was feeling very light headed now and it was hard to talk to the others, "leave..." there was no response verbal response, simply the older rocking them both to calm down Ryan. Tears came down his face, "I said... Leave..."

"And leave you vulnerable? And leave you when you're angry and sad and probably feeling faint? No... No Ryan I don't think so... I want you to know that. That I, or Michael or Geoff won't leave... I know you're mad at us... I know you want to run and hide but..." Jack came closer and wiped away the tears, brushing strands of hair out of Ryan's face and pressed a kiss to his cheek, "But I want you to feel safe... You know, even if we are stupid, we still love you and want you to be okay. The others were right... we needed to know. You denied therapy. Don't talk to us...Hide all day and night... You're killing yourself..." he removed his glasses to rub his eyes and put his glasses back on, willing the tears away.

He leaned over and grabbed the box of tissues that were on the floor and offered the box to Ryan, who was reduced to a sniffling and hiccupping mess. He hesitantly took the box and a couple of tissues, wiggling his way out of the grasp and moved away, his back towards the others as he wiped and blew his nose. He left the tissues on his lap, fiddling with the bottom of his shirt tiredly. He felt himself be pulled back into the hug after some time, staying put as he was too weak to move. The hand in his knotty hair was barely felt as he felt another wave of numbness to wash over him. He just looked up at Geoff, eyes adverting slowly and he stared at the wall. He felt his hands being clasped again.

Stray tears were wiped away with a gentle thumb, Ryan looking over towards the youngest slowly. The curly haired redhead only gave a meek smile as he slowly laid down and against the dirty blond. He pressed himself against him and wrapped his arm around his thin body, rubbed a hand against his side. He could feel bones at the angle Ryan was in, leaving his hand there and sighed.

"You need to change... Somehow..." he murmured.

He never even noticed that he had fallen asleep. He barely even remembered what had happened last night. All he knew was that there were three people around him and he felt ill, his body felt heavy. He wanted to move but the grip around him told him to stay put, so he did and was soon pulled into the embrace further. Ryan looked towards the doorway as he heard footsteps, the bathroom door closing and soon reopening after whoever was in there was done doing their business. He pretended to be asleep as the person came into the room, making a face.

"Oh... that's where you guys went last night..." his accent was much thicker as he just woke up. Gavin yawned, shuffling forward and sat heavily on the ground next to Michael's sleeping body, "Guess Ryan had another problem..." he began to nonchalantly pet the said man's hair, rubbing his eyes with his other hand to rid of the sleep, "Poor guy... Glad he can at least get some sleep..." he leaned forward and pressed a kiss to the man's cheek, pressing his forehead to his head for a moment, eyes closed and he seemed that he was going to go back to sleep. But Ryan's twitching said other and Gavin slowly moved away.

"Sorry..." he mumbled, getting up. He moved towards the door, "gonna make breakfast..." he said practically to himself, walking out and towards the kitchen to get started.

Ryan opened his eyes, watching the slow moving person leave and let out a sigh of relief, having to lay there until he felt Geoff start to wake up. The older stretched, his foot hitting the wall and he moved uncomfortably. He blinked, blearily looking around. He gave a smile as he saw that Ryan was up and gave a sleepy kiss to his lips.

"Morning..." he murmured, resting his head on the other's bony shoulder, his grip loosening slowly, "been up long...?" he gave the classic shrug, though he was honest as he did not know how long he was up for. Perhaps long enough to know that Gavin was cooking breakfast, the smell of slightly burnt toast wafting around in the air.

The dirty blond moved slowly away from Geoff, careful as he did not want to disrupt Michael of Jack and that he felt very stiff from sleeping in a crammed area. He stood up and crawled onto the bed, laying down on his stomach with his face planted into the pillow.

"I guess this is a silly question but do you want breakfast?"

"No..."

"Anything?"

"I don't know... I guess... nothing..." he turned his head and looked at the other, "better go and check on Gavin... Think he is making burnt shit..." Geoff let out a short, dry laugh, standing up. He ruffled Ryan's hair.

"I will I will, don't worry. And if you're not going to go and eat... Least take a shower..." he mumbled, the other complying. He did feel dirty, and he wanted to wash away the other's touches. So, he stood and wobbled out of the room.

Ryan walked into the shared bedroom to go and get a pair of clothing, sweat pants, underwear and a shirt all most likely big on him. He then went to the bathroom and turned on the shower, letting the water run hot as he stripped slowly of his clothing. He looked at himself in the long mirror, pulling at his scarred skin carefully. He went over towards his pants, taking out the razor that he had taken out of his journal. He placed it on the side of the bathtub. He turned back around and looked back in the mirror, jaw clenching as he turned back around and stepped into the hot stream and slowly closed the curtain. He squatted down and sat in a tight ball, rocking himself slowly as the water gave him a sense of warmth.


	17. Chapter 17

"Ryan?" the man was startled as he heard his name, peeling away from the side of the tub. He did not realize that he had fallen asleep in the shower. He guessed for a long time, as the water had run frigged ad he was shaking from the cold. He heard the door be knocked again and his name was called in a more nervous tone.

"Yeah...?" he practically could hear the sigh of relief, the door knob jiggling before the person on the other side realized that it was still unlocked. Ryan cursed himself, taking his razor and held it tight as he pocketed his head out of the curtain with a blush.

Geoff knelt down, chuckling softly, "Fell asleep?" a nod. Geoff turned off the water, opening the curtains more and petted Ryan's wet hair, "Yeah... You must be freezing. C'mon... Lets get dried off and get some clothes on..."

The older helped the other out of the bathtub, wiping him down gently and then allowed the other to get dressed. Geoff wrapped an arm around the other's skinny waist, bringing him along. But Ryan had stopped at the stairs and turned towards them, quick to walk up the small flight and towards his bedroom, leaving a confused Geoff behind. Ryan had entered his bedroom after getting a box of Band-Aids as he could eel his hand stat to split open from the razor that he had so tight in his hands. He hid the small item back in his journal, which he placed in his new hiding place and then went to go and wiped away the blood and bandage the area. He shoved his hands into his pockets and wandered down the stairs. Ryan met back up with Geoff, who was climbing the stairs to see what the matter with the younger was. But now he was wrapping his arm around the younger, taking him back downstairs and towards the couch at a slow pace.

The lads and Jack were playing a video game, the usual rage type of game as Michael was yelling and red in the face. He was quick to turn to Gavin as the younger messed up on a part, looking ready to choke him. The 'Gavin noises' were not helping at all.

'Gavin, you fuck! Why the fuck did you..." he was too angry to continue, tossing his controller onto the coffee table and leaned back into the couch with a heavy huff. His gaze caught the two that entered the living room, raising an eyebrow. "The fuck do you two want?" came the muttered question.

"Perhaps to get out?" Geoff replied, standing in front of the television, the game paused by Ray.

The Puerto Rican cocked an eyebrow, "And go where? Less you want Ryan to get all panicky and shit over and over again..." The elder made a face.

"Going to the park... Isn't far. Maybe for you, Ray, but at least it's something..." he muttered, looking towards Ryan, "It isn't going to be a problem, yeah? I mean you'll tell us if you feel uncomfortable... right...?"

That was hard for him to answer. Especially since this was after the fact that Jack, Geoff and Michael were looking in his journal just last night. He had a hard time wanting to say what he wanted to say after those memories wormed their way back into his head quickly. He gave his usual shrug, hoping that was a suffice answer for ' don't care' or something like that.

Geoff lowered his voice, "That a yes...?" a moment of pause, before Ryan hesitatingly shook his head yes. The dirty haired man thought that if he just said no he would still be dragged out or if he said no that he would be asked more and more questions until he ultimately said yes. Least Geoff was smiling.

"Good!" he clapped his hands together, turning and started to leave, "I'll get things ready. You assholes should go and get ready."

Ryan sat heavily on the chair, slumping down and ran a hand through his still damp hair. He watched the others start to close down the gaming system, all standing up and went upstairs to go and reluctantly get ready for their day in the park. He felt rather bad at this point. It seemed that the others did not want to go at all, but he knew at the same time that they would change their minds as soon as things start to get more exciting. Maybe except for Ray, the man never really liked to go outside. So maybe he would be more of the downer than Ryan himself. The dirty blond shook his head at that, staring at his red palm and stood. He went into the bathroom to go and change the bandage so that the suspicion levels would stay low. But at the same time.

The pain and the blood felt and looked great. He wanted to do it again. He wanted to decorate himself again as his scares from before were starting to fade. Slowly. But it was painful to look at his legs and arms and not see the scarring. He knew that the others would pick up it up soon, and he did not want to hear another threat of needing therapy again. Ryan stared at his hands, watching the blood bubble up from the wound and spill over into his hand and onto the floor. He placed a new bandage on his palm as he heard his name being called, quick to wipe away the mess and dispose of the rag in the dirty hamper before walking sluggishly towards the kitchen. He stopped at the doorway, rubbing his arm as he vaguely listened to Geoff talking. He honestly did not care, only following behind the rest of the small polygamous group.

The car ride was rather quick and quiet, Ryan staring out the window and watched the scenery go by him. He pressed his cheek to the window and sighed, moving away as he felt the door start to open. He took his seat belt off and climbed out of the car, heavily walking with the rest. Gavin was ahead of the five others, looking around the park and tried to find a clear spot. He stopped and stood on his tippy toes, looking around further before bounding towards a secluded, quiet place away from the rest of the people that were in the park. He motioned the rest to follow, plopping down onto the dirt ground and watched the rest of the others come close. Geoff spread the old blanket across the ground, smoothing it out before Gavin rolled onto the blanket and took a bit under half of it. Geoff rolled his eyes, sitting down with a leg up to his chest and leaned against Gavin's body. The rest followed in suit, though Ryan took the upper right corner with his hand towards the others. He did not pay any attention as he heard Ray and Michael's 3DS' turn on.

Or Gavin squealing as he tried to push Geoff away as the older leaned into the Brit more heavily. Jack watched out of the corner of his eye, chuckling as the other two stared to wrestle a bit.

But it all became white noise to Ryan.

He took a moment to move away from the rest of the gang, laying down in the grass. The cool air was cold to him especially since his hair was still wet, but the sun that he was under made up for the lost heat he felt. He closed his eyes, surprisingly feeling calm. Maybe it was the lack of having to think constantly. Maybe this was a good thing that he had agreed to. He felt warm and content and rather carefree.


	18. Chapter 18

Gavin rolled away to stop Geoff's tickle onslaught, his face red and a large smile across his face. He found himself close to Ryan, who was staring up at the sky. The younger laid with his head on Ryan's chest, looking up at the dirty blond. The older was slowly taken out of his trance and quirked an eyebrow at the other, who was staring at him intently. He did not say anything, not wanting the other to get all huffy and start to whine that he was not letting him to be held by the older anymore. Which is true. Ryan really no longer wanted to be held or touch or talked to. He anted to wither away slowly and have the others just leave him alone. It was splendid for the first five or so minutes before hand, before Gavin moved away from Geoff and was now playing with his thin hair and flopping, arms and all. Ryan did not have the tolerance for the other smacking him with his hands as he turned around, or how the other's big ass nose was pressing against his chest uncomfortably. The dirty blond crossed his arms, the skinny appendages on top of Gavin's head, causing the younger to squirm.

"Ryan!" Gavin whined, which caused Ryan to heavily sigh.

He tried to ignore it as he took a quick glance at Gavin then back at the blue sky. He let in a deep breath, tempted to smack Gavin as he put all the pressure that he could down on top of his head. He closed his eyes, feeling his arms drop down to his chest, guessing the Brit finally got himself free from his rather weak grasp. Gavin sat up on his knees, crossing his arms and puffed out his cheeks.

"Really?"

"Yeah... Really..." Ryan muttered, sitting up. He blankly looked at the other, "Why did you do that...?"

"'Cause I wanna hug and be close..." came the murmured reply, Gavin unable to keep his hands to himself as he brushed the dirt and grass from Ryan's hair and back. He looked away, grabbing the hand with the bandage on the palm. He furrowed his brows as he felt the bandage, but really though of it as the other having rough hands.

"That's a problem..." Gavin made a face.

"How is that a problem?"

"Because I don't want to be touched or looked at or anything right now or really ever..." that seemed to catch the other's attention.

"Don't be like that... " Jack stated, closing his book and sat closer to Ryan, "You'e had been alone for a long time now and it's about time that you're social and try and open up. I don't blame him. We all want to hold and love you. But at the same time not all of us are blunt with the actions like Gavin."

He put his arms in the air, hands slightly curved to hide the wound, "I don't want any of that and I am not willing to fight about this at all," he stood up, shaking in the wind, and moved away. He sat back down underneath a tree, back to the trunk, watching as a couple of the others started to get up to follow Ryan.

"Please leave me alone..." the two looked at each other, one listening and the other did not. Geoff came over and sat down next to Ryan, taking him by the hand. He blinked as he felt the bandage just as Gavin did beforehand. Geoff turned Ryan's hand and looked at the soiled bandage and looked back at the other, who now refused to look at Geoff.

The mustached man took in a deep breath, "You promised me that you wouldn't do that..."

"I didn't mean to...? It was an accident..." he mumbled, but Geoff did not seem to believe that. He stood up with the other and walked away, needing to have a chat with Ryan.

"Where are you going?" called Jack.

"Somewhere.."

* * *

 

Geoff sat down on a bench where there was really no one around except for a couple of the runners than sprinted passed the two men. He hunched over, face in his hands and jaw clenched. Ryan knew that the other was upset. But he was most afraid that the other would yell at him. He sat away with his head turned towards the other way and hands folded on his lap. He could hear the other laugh dryly.

"I've asked you to not do this... I kept such a good eye on you. Then you get a little freedom and you go and do this? I'm not mad at you or anything I'm just really upset. I wanted to see if you can help yourself. But obviously you can't."

"I don't care enough to do so... I'm actually kinda glad it happened.."

Geoff gave the other a weird look, "I'm glad I started therapy, which starts tomorrow, for you. You need  _help._ I am fucking sorry, Ryan. I don't care if you don't want to. But you have not changed at all." the younger glared, but he was beat to speaking, "Don't say a word. Don't fight with me on this. You are getting the help you fucking need and that is final. Do i make myself clear?" there was silence, and Geoff rose an eyebrow, "I'm taking that as a yes." he stood up, taking the other by the hand and began to walk back.

Once they got back, he sat back down, Ryan about to go towards his spot but he was forced to sit down next the eldest. The dirty blond growled, wanting to stay away from the older and did not want to provoke anymore anger that he could sense from the other. He turned his back as he felt himself being pulled closer, Geoff talking to Jack  as the ginger had asked what was being said before. The conversation had ended up ending quickly as Geoff waved it off and told Jack that 'It's something you and the others already know.'

Ryan began to pick at the grass, wanting nothing more to do now than get up and leave. His good mood from before had turned angry and sad at the same time. He no longer felt calm.


	19. Chapter 19

The group had packed up to leave not even twenty minutes later. Geoff gathered all the supplies and waited for the rest to come and pile into the car and head hone. The others did not complain, especially as they went right back to sitting in front of the television with the gaming system back on. Geoff watched the go back to their spots, sighing as he felt someone brush past him and sit down on the chair. He turned around, cautiously following Ryan up the stairs, slipping past the door and stood behind the younger. He was sulking, his hand barely touching Geoff as he went to go and close the door. He sighed, hand balling up as he tapped the other's side weakly.

"Leave me alone, Geoff. Less you came to tell me more things I don't fucking need." Geoff pushed forward, causing the other to move forward and onto the bed. Ryan crawled out from under the older, but was pulled back and held closely.

"And don't fucking touch me!" He felt arms tighten around his middle, and kisses pressed to the back of his neck.

"I can if I want to... And I want to as not consent as it is..." he murmured, "I just want to hold you and not let you go... Least give me that. Don't have to move until tomorrow and shit..."

"Why do you insist that you hold me!?" Ryan snapped, looking back at Geoff, eyes narrowing and he looked about ready to punch the other even if it was weak nothings.

"Because. I told you so many times. I love you and as much as you don't believe and as much as that hurts I just want you to know that. That this distance is hurting just about everyone else in this household...." Geoff's grip tightened, "And this help you're getting tomorrow... It'll help... We all want you better... it's just time that you help yourself and become healthy."

"I don't want to."

"I know. I, for once, don't care of your opinion. As for now you are going. No ifs ands or buts." Geoff sat up, his grip much looser on Ryan and soon let go of him. He felt himself being pushed, "Don't be angry either."

"I can if I want to." he shoved the other again, laying down and brought his legs up to his chest. He took the pillow and covered his head with it.

Geoff watched, chewing on his lower lip hard and stood up. He decided to leave the other alone, walking out of the room and closed the door behind himself softly. He wandered downstairs, taking his spot next to Ray. The younger was still playing the same game as before, but did glance towards Geoff as he leaned back.

"You look upset. What's up?"

"Nothing. Waiting for tomorrow. That's all." Ray quirked an eyebrow, but did not reply to the older. He had a bit of a hard time getting back to the game, though he tried to make it not so obvious.

Geoff did not sleep at all, so as a consequence he was drinking coffee with way more than enough sugar. He trailed up the stairs, going to Ryan's door and knocked on it.

"C'mon..." he muttered, "it's time to get up... You're appointment is soon..." he waited for a little while before he opened the door and saw Ryan writing in his journal. The dirty blond looked back and shook his head, finishing up and placed the small booklet down.

"Whatever..." he muttered.

"Please...? It won't take long... an hour at the most..." Geoff walked closer, "then after we can come home and go different ways... is that okay?"

Ryan thought about this for a while, "... do you promise?"

"Yeah"

The younger thought for another moment, chewing on his lip. "Fine..." he muttered, standing up. He walked past the older. He went into the bedroom and changed at a slow pace, going back to the spare room and took his journal.

"Do I have to bring anything...?"

"What you're holding." Ryan sighed, holding the journal close to his chest. He felt himself being taken out of the room, and towards the front door. Geoff bid his goodbyes to the others and opened the front door, walking towards the car as he turned it on. He opened the door, waiting for Ryan to get into the passenger before buckling himself and the other in and started to go.

Geoff stopped outside the building, parking the car on the street and got out of the car. He waited for Ryan, who was cautious to get out of the car and follow the older. Geoff entered and wandered around a bit before finding the room and stopped, turning to Ryan. He gave him a small smile before knocking on the door.

"Come in!" the mustached man smiled, opening the door and let the other go into the room first. Geoff kept standing as the therapist asked for them to sit down, the tattooed man looked towards the therapist as he was introducing himself to Ryan like he did with Geoff when he made the appointment.

"Do you want me to leave or do you want me to stay for the first day...?" Geoff asked, but the therapist shrugged.

"You don't hav-"

"Don't want him here..." Ryan muttered before going back to fiddling with his hands, so the therapist nodded a little.

He took a business card and handed it to Geoff, "You can come in an hour. Or earlier if things go bad..." the younger nodded and turned towards Ryan.

"See ya..." he gave a smile and turned around, walking out of the room and out towards the car.

The therapist got up and made sure that the door was closed before sitting back down in front of Ryan. He waited a little bit before opening his mouth to speak, starting off small.

"How are you?"

The dirty blond shrugged, leaning back as he started to become fearful, "I... don't want to be here..."

"But you have to though. I know you don't want to but I promise that it won't be that bad. Just need to open up as much as you want to and just go from there." he leaned back, "Perhaps we should start small... Perhaps talk about yourself a bit."

Ryan made a face, "There is nothing to say about myself besides for my name is Ryan and that I suck fuck."

"How do you 'suck fuck'?"

"I just suck at everything. Life. Work. Being there for someone. I am nothing." he shook his head, "I will be forever nothing. I'm a stupid fuck that can't even do anything but lose weight. Are you happy enough? Can I go now?"

The older was quiet for a while, standing up and sat down next to the other and placed a gentle hand on his shoulder, "It's not good enough... And I will say that you're not stupid. Or nothing. You have more purpose in yourself than you think. I don't know why you must think like that. But please do believe someone when they say that." Ryan kept his disgusted face on, shaking his head.

"I won't believe them..." he mumbled, moving away from the other and stared at the wall.

He stayed like this until he could feel the other tapping on his shoulder. Ryan looked at him, eyes glassy with tears. He forcibly rubbed them away as he looked away.

"Are you okay?"

"I don't know. Why are you asking me?"

"Because you've been standing there muttering things to yourself..." he kept his distance. He reached over and grabbed the tissue box, offering it to the younger, "Care to talk about it? We still have some time left... Unless not. You look very distressed, as well."

"I'm just tired..."

"Are you lying 'cause you don't want to talk about it?" the therapist asked as Ryan sighed.

"Yeah..."

"Go ahead and speak. Get it out." Ryan fiddled with his hands again, keeping his voice just above audible as he talked about what he was thinking. It was rather vague, though, as he did not trust the man much with what was really going through his head.

The door was knocked upon, and Ryan was quick to stop talking. The therapist told who was behind the door that it is okay to open the door and come into the room. Geoff did just so, entering and leaned against the door frame. Ryan was quick to stand and leave though, not wanting to stay in the room anymore.

"How was he?"

"He was okay. He talked for a bit, more than you and I expected. Quite proud of that. He seems really nice and all. But really quick to jump to conclusions and afraid."

Geoff shrugged, "I know..."

"He needs to work on that though... He should try and focus more on positive thinking. He has so much potential but thinks he is such a poor person." Geoff nodded, turning around to make sure that he could still see Ryan walking down the hallway.

"Been trying... But I know I know. It takes time." he turned back around, checking the time, "Is it okay if the next appointment is tomorrow at the same time?"

The older went towards the planner on his desk and looked down to see if there was an opening, "Sure. That's fine." Geoff nodded.

"Good. Good. Then Ry would see you tomorrow." the older nodded, both bidding their goodbyes as Geoff turned around and walked out.

He saw Ryan sitting against the car, not turning it on as he did not want to freak the other out. He did stand in front of him and then knelt down. He reached forward and brushed a stray strand of hair out of his eyes.

"C'mon... lets go home..." the dirty blond nodded, standing up and waited until the door was unlocked before getting into the car.

 

 


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am sorry for the constant tag changing and all. I don't know to keep him psychotic depressed or make him a schizophrenic. I may also change the title. i have been thinking of that. but it is not set.

The car ride home was rather quiet, except for Ryan. All he could hear was the loud voices in his head. Scolding him for being so stupid for telling, even vaguely that is, the therapist he barley even knew more than the man he was supposed to. He was supposed to do nothing more than say a little and keep quiet. And by a little it really meant say nothing of importance. Say nothing that could lead anyone on about what was really wrong. They told him that he did not need help. That he was too stupid. That he was not needed. That he was useless and a complete waste of anyone's time. He started to shake, his breathing quickly becoming ragged. He tugged at his hair hard until he began to dull the internal pain away.  
  
It made the man start to cave in and tear up, blunt nails digging into his wrists, and scratched until there was tiny droplets of blood bubbling to the surface of his pale skin. The man in the other car as they were stopped at a red light glanced towards them as if he wanted to race- even revving up his car. Though as soon as he saw Ryan, he made a disgusted face and sped off before the light changed color. Geoff rose an eyebrow, failing to notice what the other was doing as he looked back towards the road and soon was driving off.

HE parked the car in the driveway and unbuckled his seat belt before turning towards Ryan, eyes widening as he saw that he had taken out the emergency kit from the glove compartment and had taken out the Swiss Army knife that Geoff had kept there for emergency purposes only. Now he was very much regretting that he had put that in the box, and was quick to snatch it away before another cut was made. He chucked it into the back seat, the blade sticking into the upholstered seat. Geoff grabbed the bleeding wound, thankful that it was not deep at all and it could pass as a scratch. He climbed over the middle part, now practically sitting onto of the younger and pinned him down as he began to struggle. He called out his name, but the other was so focused now into grabbing the tool to harm himself more.

This caused Geoff to sit heavily on top of the other and pin his arms down to Ryan’s side, leaning forward under they were chest to chest. His face was pressed up against Ryan’s neck and kept still as best as he could. He waited until the other was tired and the weak struggling had ceased and then some before even thinking of letting of his arms. Geoff gathered the other in his arms, his shoulders trembling. All of the words he wanted to say were getting caught in his throat, forming a lump that caused him to cough. But he refused to cry.

He needed to be strong for when the other was weak. He needed to be there, a shoulder for the other to cry on like he was now. Someone to be there to listen. The time now was not to break down as much as he wanted. The other was doing so well. He was clean for so long. Longer than Geoff had ever expected the other to be. But it was all ruined from whatever was going on in his head.

The older of the two could hear muttering again, feeling Ryan’s grip tighten on his crinkled shirt and tug him closer. Then away when he was scared and angry sounding. Then back. It was like he could not make his mind up. Like he was confused if he wanted the other to come around or not, to not to be comforted. It confused the mustached man a bit before he simply settled on switching their spots and holding Ryan against his chest as he sobbed into his shoulder quietly.

Geoff was started as he heard the door next to him open, the light from something- most likely a flash light- was shining in his eyes and blinded him a bit. There was a noise before the beam pointed upwards to illuminate the entire dark car. The tattooed man realized now that it was dark. With a heavy sigh, he shifted in his spot but was careful not to move the man that was on his lap. He rubbed his back as he felt him stir, the movement stopping as he heard the British voice.

“Why are you guys in here?” the youngest was always the worst to pick up on the mood, “’less you fell asleep… But whatever that now really…”

Geoff was tempted to say what had just happened, but he decided against it. He did not want the others to worry more about their Ryan’s condition and ever little bad thing that was going on. Or really worsening. So, the eldest shook his head, and went along with what Gavin had insinuated.

“Yeah… Just fell asleep… Had a long drive around and stuff to get out…” he gave a yawn to continue his little play along lie, “You should get back inside… it’s cold as dicks out here.” The foreigner gave an enthusiastic nod, kissing both men’s cheeks before going back into the house with bouncy strides.

With another heavy sigh, Geoff shook Ryan gently as he tried to get him to open his eyes. The other made a noise, looking up.

“What…?” his voice was not groggy as one would be when they just woke up. No, he sounded tired and his voice was cracked from crying earlier that day. The older ruffled his dirty blond hair.

“C’mon… time to go inside… get some clean pjs on and call it a night… You must be so tired…” Ryan nodded, agreeing.

He was slow to turn around, occasionally glancing into the back and could just see the blade as the porch light suddenly came on and illuminated the area. Ryan wrapped his arms around his now shivering form, taking heavy steps towards the front door and walked up the steps. He opened the door, looking behind himself as he watched Geoff come out of the automobile and up the lawn, soon standing behind himself and arms wrapped around his thin waste. He felt a lazy kiss be pressed to his shoulder as he was guided towards the bedroom as he turned off all the lights on the way.

Everyone else was already fast asleep, all piled on the bed. So Geoff was cautious as he walked around the room, stripping into his boxers and grabbed a pair of fresh sweatpants and one of his own tee-shirts and handed it to Ryan, who was standing at the door way. The older did not watch, going towards the bed and went to sit down on it, but stopped.

He looked up at the other when he knew that he was dressed and patted the spot next to him.

“Just for the night, please…” he murmured, Ryan staying in his spot. He shifted uncomfortably.

It seemed alright. And he also did not want to be alone, so maybe not listening to the screaming thoughts as he walked over towards the older and climbed into bed was not a bad idea. He felt himself being pulled down gently, Geoff on the edge of the bed and Ryan sandwiched between the eldest and Jack’s back. The ginger mumbled, turning around in his slumber and looped his arms around the cold body. The dirty blond coward a little, shrinking down and tried to get away but the grip was tightening.

He had no escape at this point and it scared him.

Geoff was not able to help him out of Jack’s grip as the man had fallen asleep and was currently sleeping with his legs splayed and his arms loosely around the man in the middle. Ryan had a harder time falling asleep. He was thankful for the grip that was once so tight loosen as Jack shifted again, getting up and carefully climbed over Geoff and tip-toed out of the room.

Morning came around painfully slow, and he found himself in the middle of the bed next to a still heavily sleeping Michael. He sat up and looked blearily around the room. It was only then when it struck him that there was no Ryan. With panic, he shot out of bed and began to look everywhere. He started to get anxious as he saw that his bedroom door was opened, walking with caution. He pushed the creaking door opened, which seemed to open at a snail’s pace, and looked into the room. He found Ryan on the bed, thankful that he could see him breathing. Geoff walked closer, letting out a breath of relief as he saw that he was just sleeping. He turned around and was startled as he saw Jack, who looked rather upset as he walked towards the bed and checked over Ryan. He let out a shaky breath, taking the cover and pulled over him. Geoff’s panic has started to come back. Had he failed to see what was really wrong with the man? He took baby steps towards the bed, and upon closer expecting, he could now see that the other’s complexion as pallor and he was holding his arms close and protectively. He glanced towards Jack, who was staring at the man now blankly before blinking slowly and looked away.

“He’s so stupid for such a bright man…” the words were slow, “He has to be a lucky one, though,” a long pause, a small and pathetic sniffle as if the ginger was trying not to cry, “And I am not knowing what to do. I want him to be healthy. But sometimes I think that he is so far down in his little hole to care…” he brushed away a bit of the strands of hair that had fallen down into Ryan’s face as he shifted uncomfortably.

“When I found him, oh thank god when I found him alive, he just seemed that he lost it. I never knew that Ry could be so… _destructive_ … I was never so scared,” he gripped the shaking hands, running his thumb light over the bandage, though it only made more blood spill and stain the bandage.

“… How bad…?”

Jack was bracing for that question, “It’s not deep… Thankfully. But there’s a lot… up his arms. Down his legs. Some thinner than others but I won’t lie, I have seen a large one but it has stopped bleeding a lot… I’m honestly waiting to see what happens. If they don’t stop bleeding then we take him to get all checked out. And if it does stop bleeding then I’m still taking him. I don’t want to risk.” He hung his head.

“I don’t want to risk almost losing him again.” The ginger’s grip got tight on Ryan’s hand, the man whimpering and squirming. His eyes opened and he looked tiredly up at the two other gents. He cringed as he saw Geoff staring at him.

Not intensely. Not mad. No. It was worse. It was the look of sadness and pity.

Ryan did not want any of that. He wanted to be along and away from the other two. He wanted to go back into the bathroom and be far away from reality. He began to sit up, eye twitching as his bandages stuck to his fresh cuts, and despite Jack’s protest pulled his hand away and brought his legs up to his chest. He was shaking. He did not know from what, maybe the lack of energy he had or the lack of food that would have given him the energy. Or maybe it was the blood he was losing slowly from the wounds that he had given himself. He knew he should rest, but those voices that he could hear over the words the other two were saying got the better of him. He slowly got to his feet, his body trembling as he gripped onto the bed for support. He was too stubborn for this, and he would not listen to his aching body as he walked around the bed and towards the door.

It did take much time for the other two to quickly catch the man, who fell to his knees as he could not keep himself up. It seemed that all of his weakness that was trying to be held back all this time was catching up quick. He felt himself being pulled into a hug, heavily leaning into both men as he could not even put up a fight. He felt himself be put back into the bed, the blanket once again put around him and tucked in tightly. Jack and Geoff at down close, both taking a hand and watched over the weaker.

The floorboards creaked outside the room and Michael was walking down the small hallway. He went into the restroom and promptly turned around, looking around a bit before finding Geoff.

“Who the fuck is having their period and bled all over the fucking floor?” he obviously failed to see the picture, still half asleep.

Geoff turned a bit and looked at the redhead, then towards Jack and then back towards the rage gamer. He swallowed thickly, taking in a deep breath and struggled to get out the words. Michael crinkled his brows as he could not understand the rambling Geoff was spitting out, and came closer. He finally noticed Ryan, how weak he looked, before realized what was wrong. He reached out tensely, eyes quickly glancing to Jack and Geoff before down at the other. He walked over towards the other side of the bed, dropping down to his knees as he pressed himself against the bed. Michael’s hand was shaking as it carded through the dirty blond hair slowly.

“… Please… Please tell me this is a joke… Just a cruel joke,” his hand stopped on Ryan’s cheek, and he laughed, “Please telling me this is a fucking joke!” his loud voice seemed to catch the attention of Gavin and Ray, both entering and both just as confused as Michael was.

“I wish it was, Michael… I wish it was…” Jack murmured, forcing a smile. But it was nothing more than just a smile filled with sadness.

Hours have passed, and everyone was crowding around Ryan. The man thought of it as uncomfortable now, and he desperately wanted out. So he wiggled out from underneath Gavin, who was practically on top of him as a protective blanket. He was now draped over Ray, who was laying across Ryan to keep him there. Or was, now he was dangling on the side of the bed. The man carefully crawled over the two walls- Jack and Michael- before going directly for the restroom. He had failed to see that Geoff was not in the small bed with them as he sluggishly walked.

He was rather upset as he saw that the room was now clean, smelling freshly of cleaning products. What was really making him upset was the fact someone had taken the bloodied razor he had used beforehand. Probably Jack. He would not deny that. He started to rummage through the closet for one then, getting upset as he could not find any of the razor that they kept in there. Or the medicine cabinet.

It seemed that the entire room was now Ryan proofed.

Even when he went into the kitchen to find something sharp. All the knives were gone. The lighters. Match boxes. Anything that he could use to relieve himself. He got so frustrated that he resorted in taking the red gauze off of his arms-so desperate in fact that he did not care that he was now sitting against the cabinets-, letting them slide off and onto the ground. He began to pick at the wounds to try and make them bigger. He did not realize that tears were coming down his cheeks, quickly becoming unaware of his surrounds and the man that was sitting down next to him and held is bloodied hands.

“Ryan…?” he said gently, brushing his hair out of his face, “Please calm down…” he cupped his face and made the younger look at him. He felt the short breaths against his cheek, “It’s okay to breathe as well, hon.” The only response that he received was a small choking sound that sounded like he was trying to breathe.

Geoff gently moved Ryan’s head, when he looked away, and looked right at him. “Hey… Look only at me… okay?” he asked, and the other nodded a little. Geoff stroked the younger’s cheek. He tried to remember as best as he could on what Ryan’s therapist had told him when he told the man that the dirty blond suffered from panic attacks.

“Breathe through your nose… yeah, just like that… Out through your mouth like … like blowing up a balloon! Yeah! C’mon, see?” he did it with the other, his hands starting to tremble and he was more than glad as he felt the other start to relax.

He gather the other in his arms, rubbing his back as he continued to tell the other to breathe in and out slowly until he knew that he other would be fine. He pulled back, and still stroking Ryan’s warm and slightly sweaty cheek. He stayed around for a little to make sure that the other was okay to be left alone before standing, going to get the first aid kit. Geoff came back, kneeling in front of the younger. He opened the kit, looking up at the exhausted man with a small, reassuring smile.

“It may sting… Sorry, buddy.” He murmured, taking and arm as he shook the disinfectant spray, feeling him flinch then oddly relax. Geoff dressed the wounds before doing the same to the other arm.

He packed away all the items, taking Ryan back into his arms and held him tight. He began to wonder what was going to happen now. He knew that he would have to cancel the therapy for today. But he did not know what else to do besides for watching over the man.


	21. Chapter 21

Ryan was brought back to the bedroom, the man weak with fatigue and he was dependent on Geoff’s help as he could not keep himself up. He fell across the group that was miraculously still sleeping. He himself could not, so he was pretty much laying across the men heavily. He could feel the others try and adjust, taking the man into their arms. Geoff watched for a long time, coming closer and sat down on the bed. He carded a hand through the dirty blond hair, causing Ryan to look towards the older and quirked an eyebrow. The mustached man held his hands up and shook his head, signifying to the other that he did not mean to bother him. Ryan looked away, only nodding in agreement. Geoff continued to pet his hair, staying there until he saw that one of the others were starting to awaken from their short slumber. The man stood up and left, going to the kitchen to get a drink.

Jack sat up with a stretch, scratching the back of his head and looked at the crowd on the small bed. He smiled as he saw Ryan, not at all knowing what had happened beforehand. He reached out and ruffled his hair before standing, stretching further as he walked out of the bedroom. He wandered down the stairs, stopping as he heard feet scuffling around the kitchen and then the legs of a chair scraping against the tiled floor. Quirking an eyebrow, he walked into the room and saw Geoff with a bottle of Jack in his hands. He knew the other liked to drink, but today was also not his drinking day and it was rather weird to see him down about half the brand new bottle. Geoff looked towards the other and set down the bottle, propping his head up with his hands.

“What? Can a man drink in peace?”

The ginger walked towards the other, taking the spot next to him and placed a hand on Geoff’s shoulder, “Yeah… Especially since it looks like you’re thinking maybe a bit too much about something. What’s up?”

The older started to fiddle with the bottle before taking a gulp of the whiskey, “Yeah. Too much recent bull fuck,” Jack waited patiently for the other to continue or now, not wanting to push the other into talking about what he was thinking.

“Nothing… Nothing is wrong. I want to be along. So please leave me-“

“Geoffrey. You are such a bad liar. Please. I insist for you to talk. Please.” The older sighed heavily, running a hand through his short hair.

“I… It’s about Ryan…” he muttered, leaning forward and rested his cheek on the table, feeling his hair being stroked lightly, “I… don’t know what to do with him…”

“… Perhaps we should admit him to a psych ward… I… have been wanting to confine that to you for a long time… And I am glad now that it is now in the air between us two. I wish for that to happen. Therapy seems to not be working out… I have seen him slowly go back into that smoking business he had… and drinking. Could explain why that there really is not any alcohol in the cabinet…” he took in a deep breath, “Or the fact that he looks dehydrated and just sick. He doesn’t get what it’s like to live anymore and it hurts me to watch him wither away and pretty much die. HE’s no longer living life.”

Geoff closed his eyes, taking in a deep breath and let it out slowly through his mouth. He looked up at the ginger, “… Perhaps that won’t be a bad thing… but… But I’m scared of that… I… don’t know if that would work… I’m so scared that it won’t be a positive. That he would come back and go to square one.” He groaned, reaching forward for the bottle but the item was pushed away as Jack did not want the other to drink anymore.

“Let’s just think about this, though… I’ll… I’ll give it a week… Maybe less… whatever you want to do.”

“A … week is fine. A week...” he trailed off, sighing heavily. He leaned against Jack, becoming deep in thought.

* * *

 

A week passed by slowly and there was really no change in the house except for Ryan sleeping more and staying up all night. He still would not eat, becoming more obsessed with the number on the scale than paying attention to his thin body. Geoff’s concern grew until he was biting his nails until they bled and his hair had thin lines of gray. The others tried to calm the other down when Ryan did something stupid, holding him back on many occasions as someone else went to go and patch the man up.

It was getting too much.

He had enough of the suffering.

Geoff had grabbed a small bag, already called to admit the man to psych ward, and began to pack one, plane shirt from everyone and a pair of sweat pants for the dirty blond. He made sure to put in his journal, making sure that there was no sharp objects in it before tucking it away. He snatched Ryan’s favorite book before closing the bag up.

He went over towards the man, shaking him gently from his light sleep. The younger blearily looked up other and rubbed his eyes, looking rather innocent. It pained the tattooed man, but he had to do this. This suffering had to stop. He pulled Ryan up to his feet, walking out of the house after everyone had said their goodbyes. Ryan looked at him confused, letting the other put him in the passenger seat and took the bag that was given to him. He looked through it as he was buckled in and then up at Geoff, who had closed the door and went to the driver’s seat. The man sat there in silence, taking Ryan’s hand and held it tight after getting his seatbelt on. The younger began to shake, thoughts racing as the car started.

“Geoff… Geoff where are we going…?” there was no answer, not once did the older open his mouth to answer the question.

He told himself not to get emotional.

He told himself to be strong.

Be strong, stoic, yet he was struggling to do any of that.

He pulled up to a rather small building, a couple of hours away from their home. He sat there in his seat and looked towards his left. He could see a couple of nurses waiting outside for their arrival, and he held up a finger to signify a minute alone with his boyfriend.

“I… I am doing this for you, Ry… The others are all for it…” the other was too busy looking around to bother with listening to the other.

It was a slow realization, but as soon as he did find out he was climbing into the back of the car and used the blanket to hide himself. He felt the blade that was there from last week’s problem that he vaguely remembered. He was tempted, but the other was too quick to react to the other and cradled him.

“Please… this would be a good thing. You’ll be safe here until you can get everything all cleared and you become that strong man that you were before… You can do this, Ryan. I know you can…” there was a tap on the window, a nurse giving a smile as she took a step back.

The older tattooed man leaned back and nodded, the car door opening and despite the protesting and weak squirming in the strong grasp, he felt Ryan being pulled out but not detained. The nurse was gentle, seeing how the man was more scared of her then the situation. Geoff climbed out of the car as well, walking along side of Ryan.

The car ride was slow and it felt empty without the dirty blond. Once he got home, he stayed in the car and climbed into the back and took the blanket. It still smelt like the man, and it caused tears to weld up.

Geoff shook his head, furiously rubbing his eyes.

Be strong.

Be strong.

He began to sniffle, holding the blanket closer and pressed his face to it and breathed in. His shoulders started to tremble, flopping to his side. The distance was starting to get to him, though it was not as bad as the look that Ryan gave.

The man almost looked betrayed and saddened when he was led down the hallway.

Before he knew it, Geoff was letting out a small and strangled cry, tears running down his face.

He eventually collected himself and forced himself to get up and walk towards the house, opening the door and went straight to bed.


	22. Chapter 22

Another long week has went by and it was now okay for the group to visit. Thankfully the front staff allowed the group of five to all visit at once. That is, after being checked for anything sharp, shoe laces, belts among other small things that would be stolen and used against oneself for harm. They went through the process at least three times, which agitated them all.

The walk to the room was not very long, the room lying in the second hallway and the third one on the left. The door was as white as the walls, and no window. The men behind the lady, who was talking about precautions and to say if anything was wrong, was taking her sweet time opening the door. When it did, the group just stayed there until Gavin walked through.

There was a small squeal and a ‘Ryan!’ before the rest crammed through.

The room was messy. Pictures scattered the walls. His bed looked unkempt, clothing crinkled and threw into the corner. He looked like he has not washed or slept in days. The man watched the other, his eyes dull and lifeless, before turning around and sat down on his bed quietly with his head down. Gavin still persisted, and went straight back up to the other and wrapped his arms around the slowly breathing man. The younger could feel him flinch and tense at the sudden contact, and he did not dare to move into the other. He sat perfectly still, eyes becoming glassy as he zoned out. He did not know that the others were sitting around him, holding onto the man that they all dearly beloved.

There was a soft voice, a nurse came through with a glass of water and a couple of bottle of pills that called for Ryan. The man did not move, but the group did and became a bit too protective of him. The woman gave a smile.

“He needs to take his medication… HE was before but you men came in. Sorry… But could I get through?” Geoff narrowed his eyes at her before he moved out of the way so that the nurse could sit down next to his love one.

She opened the two bottles, shaking and murmuring something rather mean despite her sweet appearance into his ear. She watched him glance towards him, placing the pills he hated so much into the palm of his hand. He was still not with it for a good five minutes, and even after he was reluctant to take the medication.

“Do you want me to go and get another nurse to help or will you take it on your own?” the dirty blond made a very minute facial expression.

“… No…” his hand was pushed towards his mouth, and he was forced to put them into his mouth and swallow with water.

Ryan moved away as the nurse went to ruffle his hair, turning so that his back was towards the rest of the people in the room and brought his legs up to his chest. The other men all crowded around Ryan and continued to watch as the nurse leave the room. There was an awkward thick silence, everyone was wanting to hold onto Ryan, but he looked like he did not want to be seen by anyone as he was tugging the thin blank around himself. Gavin on the other hand, was a little too determine. He turned around and laid across the dirty blond after a while, his face up close to the older’s. A small smile formed on his face, raising his hand and gently stroked his cheek. Blue eyes looked at him out of the corner of his eyes, then adverted his gaze back towards the wall.

Gavin patted his head gently, “How are you…?” there was another long, thick silence and the Brit looked concerned at the other’s spacy look, “Ryan?”

The man jumped as he felt himself being shook, pressing himself against the wall and soon sat up. He wrapped his arms around his middle and sighed. This was weird. He wanted to talk to the others. Be social. Be something other than a piece of shit laying around and having the other men watch over him rather creepily.

That was stupid on its own. He was getting better at talking about his feelings. But he was still not trying to open up and talk about his feelings. Or eat besides for when he was forced to get something in his stomach after taking his medication at times. But most of the time he would secretly go to the restroom to empty his stomach, he could not do it now as he was with company. Company that he did not understand why they were there. HE was nothing special. The most they could have done, in his opinion, was to leave him here until he rots. He really did not get why the others insisted that he was healthy.

At this point he was so numb he did not care what the fuck happened to him.

For all that he did care, it was all masked up and held back. He wanted to not do anything or feel this pain anymore. He wished that the others would stop coming close towards him and realize that he was wanting to be alone until he rots. Or properly get rid himself, as what he always said to the therapist that was too intimidating to actually not reply and dismiss the doctor.

“Hey, Ryan…” the said man turned his head to acknowledge him and felt his cheeks being cupped by the younger, his concern high, “You okay?”

“… I… don’t know… everything is really… tiring…” he said slowly, forcing out his words so he ended up sounding more nervous than he had intended, “guess… everything is okay…”

“… Are you lying to us?” Ryan shook his head.

“I’m not lying… why would I lie?” he asked, but someone laughed.

“Why? Because you’re have been lying beforehand when you have said you were fine but look where the fuck you are now! Don’t be so stupid…” Ryan began to wring his hands, “Don’t be so out of it either… Like… Like this isn’t something that you can get rid of or just brush it off.”

“But… but I’m not, Geoff… Is being tired not right…?” the older took in a deep breath, switching places with the Brit and gathered the dirt blond in his arms, “… please don’t-“

“I am holding you, you idiot. You dumb, stupid, lovable dick.” He muttered, his anger that he has felt before slowly melted away as he held the younger, rocking him back and forth.

“Please don’t say that… don’t say lies.” Ryan relaxed against the other, finding some sort of solace in the tattooed arms. He felt calm for the first time, or maybe it was the medication that he was taking now.

“I’m not… so please don’t lie to me, alright?” Geoff made a face, leaning back and shook his head.

“Believe what you must. But I will say. That I am not lying. The others are not lying. And all we are to give is the truth. Alright? But you don’t believe us, and I don’t want to fight. For now I will let this go… I just want to stay here until they fucking kick us out.”

Ryan swallowed thickly, nodding. He did not want the other to hold him even if it felt nice. He did not want to believe the other and his so called truth. It felt as if the older man has changed and he was the one lying. It felt like he was more stressed sounding and was over protective of him. Ryan did not like that, he wanted to do things on his own. From the time he was here, it was one of those things that he has been helped with. He was, from what the therapist said, still too dependent on certain things. It impacted him a lot, as he really wanted to be separated from the rest.

Ryan gave a hefty sigh, resting his chin on Geoff’s shoulder. His eyes started to grow dark and unfocused. He did not notice the hand that was in his face, waving to try and get his attention.

“He’s out of it…” muttered Ray, “That makes no sense…? Like why the fuck does he do this. I’m about as stupid as a rock when it comes to any of this and someone not telling is not really helping.”

“If we knew it would have been said. I don’t even know if they would be telling us or anything remotely close to it.” Jack pushed his glasses up his nose, “I wish we knew.”

Hours have passed, and before the group knew it the visiting hours were coming to an end. Ryan had fallen asleep, curled up on the bed with the others still around him. The door was opened and the same nurse from before came into the room and stood in the doorway. She gave a smile as she talked.

“Visiting time is over.” She said, watching the men not untangle themselves, “Please leave. You can come back tomorrow when visiting hours are available. But for now, Mr. Haywood needs to go to his therapist now.” Geoff stared at her with a blank expression before reluctantly untangling himself from the slumbering man.

The mustached man stretched, leaning backwards to press a kiss to cheek. The small gesture caused the man to awaken, sleepily looking up at the man and yawned.

“Hm?”

“We have to go… sorry. We’ll see you tomorrow, perhaps?” Geoff said, ruffling his hair before standing up.

The rest took their time saying their small goodbyes and their kisses, causing Ryan to become very bashful and blush heavily. The group pushed passed the nurse, who was walking towards the dirty blond. The group went back to get there things that they had to leave behind before going to the car. They were silent, not a single word was said as they reluctantly went back home. But it was a unanimous vote that they would go back to the hospital to visit Ryan, hopefully for longer than they did today.


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am going to make this the last chapter of this story, I am sorry.
> 
> I do have a rather serious(?) question to ask since I am rather stuck between the three types for the next story.
> 
> Would you want a hybrid AU, most likely a story with multiple chapters and the usual angst.
> 
> or
> 
> Would you like one with all of them as being children, this one most likely would be only one or two chapters.
> 
> or
> 
> another mental illness fic.

The group had created a schedule, rather messily at that, to combat the confusion. They all went to work, not for very long. That was an irritant for Burnie since the men were never really ever at work now ever since the attempt. It was awkward as well, every time they went to go and make a video, they almost always went to go and say something to Ryan. But then remembered the painful truth that he was currently getting the help he desperately needed.

Or not, they did not truly now what was going on in the ward. The doctors never told them and if they pleaded and asked they still did not say a word on what was wrong with their love or what was being said to him. Or even the medic that took care of Ryan. It enraged Geoff every time he asked the nurse in the hallway what was going on with Ryan. The answer was always not exactly what he wanted, almost diverted away from the question to the point were it was off course and Geoff had to angrily turn around and walk off too think of something other than the ‘stupid and uninformative useless nurse’. He would always go back into Ryan’s room, the man usually writing in his journal but sometimes would be sleeping.

It was peaceful as well as he went on his own, but scary at the same time when the dirty blond would go into his own little world, and would snap once he was out of it before he could realize who it was, proceeding to profusely apologize and then back away from the other and stay far away from the other as possible. Ryan would eventually come around after a while and that he was sure that the other was not upset with him for snapping, holding onto the older with his weak strength. Ryan was calmer when his hair was stroked gently. His eyes would flutter as if he was going to fall asleep at the touches.

The man was sleeping more than actually talking and trying to keep a conversation. It was a good thing in an odd way, as before his admission he was always tired and he was always having trouble sleeping. Now he was sleeping more than usual. Maybe he has medication now that helps him, that would be a good thing in Geoff’s mind. What he really liked was how healthy looking he was becoming as well. He was no longer was able to count the younger’s ribs or see his cheek bones. He was still skinny, but it was more towards lanky. He would at times refuse to eat, though Geoff guessed that he was still listening to his voices other than his body that craved the energy and that he was also still so used to not eating. He guessed that the other would just think of the past instead of what was now. It would worry him, fearing that the man would go back into his deep hole and blow over all the good progression he had made.

In the back of his mind, when at night when he was all alone in Ryan’s room, he would think that the man would go straight back to relapsing and end back up in the ward. It truly terrified him to see the man go back because of his reckless behavior.

He did not want the other to go back to the psych ward. He hoped that the man was stable enough to live life how he used to and be happy. That was key, when he was brought home a couple a months later. Keep everything in the past. Keep everything that was a trigger away from the dirty blond. And keep an eye out on him at all costs, even when he was sleeping on the couch. Geoff had told the others to keep an eye out on him as well.

Jack was in the morning, and was also usually on making sure that he took his cocktail of medication.

Ray was in charge of watching over him when the others were forced to go to work, under Burnie and even Matt’s orders. So he would do whatever to keep the older occupied and down with the living until the rest came back home, which was when he would go into his still separated bedroom and stay there in solitude for until night comes around or he was called down to go and eat. Even if he as not hungry, and under specific instructions from the therapist back at the hospital, he was supposed to talk about how he was feeling. It as simple questions, as the rest did not want to pester him or consequently trigger Ryan.

Lindsay would come over at times, usually when the rest of the group was forced to go to work. She would mostly just talk with Ryan, trying to keep the conversation light as light as possible. Sometimes they would not even talk, sometimes the younger would hold the man or watch him play a game or vice versa.

Michael and Gavin were usually with any one as more support or help. Sometimes they would be together, and upon Gavin’s request more snuggle and watching movies and simply being close. It was nice, though Michael sometimes got really bored with it and wandered off for a bit before coming back to usually see them holding each other and talking in small voices.

Geoff would be the one to stay towards the back, but was still too over protective of Ryan and watched over him to make sure that he was safe. On occasions, and by occasions he did this just about every night, Geoff would come into Ryan’s room and sleep next to his bed. It was not long until he did not to do that and Ryan was sleeping in the shared bed. It was a slow process, as at first he refused to be sandwiched between anyone and wanted the edge closest to the door just in case he had an urge to leave.

He slowly warmed up to the idea of being held in his sleep again, seeing how tight and comforting it was. It made him protected from anything. He felt at ease really, able to be calm and not have to think constantly.

It did not seem all calm and loving one day. It was raining, and it seemed that everyone was too lazy and tired from work as they were trying to catch up with the missed work and meetings.

Ryan found himself in the restroom, standing in front of the mirror. He pulled at his borrowed shirt, still a bit too large on him, and tugged at it. He made a face, pinching his skin until it turned a bright red color. The door was knocked upon before he could check his thighs, slowly going towards the door and opened it. Ryan gave a small smile at the ginger, who rose an eyebrow.

“Whatcha doing?”

“Nothing… just…” he shook his head, deciding there to not talk about what he was doing, “It doesn’t matter?”

“Are you sure…?” Jack murmured, and Ryan looked down shamefully.

“I… regret…” he confessed, “I regret this… I wish… That I did not go through therapy…”

Jack took a step forward, lifting Ryan’s chin with a gentle finger so that he was looking directly at him in the eyes.

“But you’re doing so well! Given that you relapsed a couple of times, but that doesn’t mean that I or Michael or Geoff or Gavin or Ray are mad. Disappointed, yea, ‘cause you ended such great progression… but that’s just how it goes.”

“I truly meant eating. Gaining weight-“

“My lord don’t say the rest. That’s not true and you know it. Don’t say that you regret when you know you have done a good job on becoming healthy again, Ryan. Don’t say anything like that because fucking damn it I am proud of you,” he took his hands, “even if you don’t believe me.”

Ryan looked at their hands, slowly intertwining their fingers loosely, lowering his voice as he could see a small crowed forming behind Jack, “I… am not knowing what to say truly about that. I want to believe it but I simply cannot and it frustrates me…” he buried his face into Jack’s chest, taking in a deep breath.

The dirty blond felt his space get smaller as more came around him and held onto Ryan. He looked around, feeling his knotty hair being petted and leaned into the caress.

“Ryan….?”

“Y-yeah…?” he sounded nervous, breath hitching in his throat as he felt a kiss being pressed to the corner of his lips.

“I love you” it was somewhat in unison, leaving them all giggling and holding on tighter, almost anxious as they all waited for his answer.

Ryan gave a small smile, words slow, “... I love you all as well…”


End file.
